I am not sure if I have mentioned this before because sometimes I don’t like admitting stuff like this (even to myself) but for the last 2 years or so I have been going through a bit of an identity crisis, again… MS is continuously changing my life and every time I have a major relapse and I am left living with a “new normal”, I have to learn how to come to terms with the changes MS left me with as well how to adapt to them. Several times in my life with this disease, I have felt lost regarding my identity; who I am and what my roll in this life is. For example, I thought I was going to be a photographer. Photography was my thing. I did some work (like weddings), studied it every day, and even took a class on it. But after MS did some more damage that seemed to have stuck, I slowly lost interest and gave up that idea. All of a sudden I was not “Matt the photographer” so I did not know who I was besides “Matt the guy with MS”. So I focused on writing but with more time and more “permanent disability” it became less enjoyable especially when I was not sure what my “ultimate goal” was. It was really hard to not think “what is the point of this? What difference can I even make?”
Well the title pretty much says it all. For a while now, I have been sleeping great. I was falling asleep on my own, no pills and I was staying asleep! It was great! But last week insomnia crept back into my life; I am talking staring at the dark ceiling for 5 hours and continuously getting up to write some random thought down. So of course I am a zombie the following day both physically and mentally. So I picked up some cannabis oil because this was clearly going to be a phase that I would need help getting through. But then I took too much (sometimes it can be hard to dose) and I went from “not getting enough sleep” to “getting too much sleep” which also makes me feel like a zombie. I can’t get too little or too much or else I have to pay the price of feeling like garbage the next day. I have just been so out of it! I just want to be back on a healthy sleep schedule!
The night before last sucked. I could not sleep but for once it was not because of insomnia! No, my parents are out of town and my brothers decided to have friends over and let’s just say volume control at 3am was an issue. I probably got about 2 hours of sleep, collectively, not all the way through. I would fall asleep (which takes me forever even when I am exhausted) and a sudden shout would startle me awake. I was again awoken at 4:00am and lied there for about an hour trying to fall asleep but there was just too much noise; man I wish I could pull all nighters like that again! So I finally just got up at 5am, I was in such a bad mood, if there is one thing that seems to make everyone angry it is not being able to sleep because of someone else. After taking a shower I went downstairs to make coffee and what do you know? Like vampires trying to close themselves in their coffins just before dawn, they were all shutting it in. Well I was awake so yay, awesome.
Another gap in my blogging, but why? Well first comes the excuse; I have been relapsing… again. I had been really fatigued after what felt like a week of insomnia and then on Tuesday (the 24th) I woke up crazy dizzy and feeling weak. The sort of dizziness that is not the result of oscillopsia. I had forgotten just how bad it could be so I guess that even though I still have remnants of these symptoms every day, I am actually doing way better than I was last year. The improvements have just been so slow I could hardly notice!