So yes, once again I fell off the radar. For the first time in many years I felt my clinical depression come back and just destroy me. Once I realized that this was what was happening, so much of what I have been complaining about recently started to make sense and what sucks is that I did this to myself. You see, when I was about 18 I was actually diagnosed with clinical depression. I have pretty much been on antidepressants ever since and I have tried so many until I found the one that worked for me which was/is Zoloft. So I feel really dumb because this is the stereotypical bi-polar disorder mentality; I feel bad so I need medication but after a while I feel good so I must not need the medication, not like I feel bad anymore right? I stop the medication and then I feel bad again. So a few months ago I was feeling good. I was no longer waking up feeling depressed for no reason so I decided to stop my Zoloft. I wanted to see how it felt to not be taking a handful of pills every morning that I might not even need. All I was taking was an anti-viral called Acyclovir which I have to take for so long after my last Lemtrada infusion to help make sure I do not get any sort of herpes-related virus.
Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 26. I have been thinking about this day for a while now; not because I had exciting plans or anything but because the last year or two has really sucked. My health has been out of control, my body is falling apart, my financial life has been a mess and my social life in nonexistent to name a few things. My life has been in a bunch of pieces and I have felt like I have absolutely no control over anything. I have just not been happy with my life and where it has been going. So that has had me thinking, I need to change things. I was sitting on the couch yesterday thinking about all of this and how I want “things” to be so much better in a year when I am 27 and sitting in that same spot. I want to be able to look back on yesterday and think, “wow, my life was such a mess” keyword “was”.