The other day I explained how I had been going through a pretty rough patch. I just focused on my depression in thar post, something I have always (for the most part) kept to myself until recently. Obviously, I have expressed that I was feeling depressed in the past, but to me, that was all situational. This time I was talking about something that is just part of my awesome brain (catch the sarcasm?). Well as I said in that post, I finally seem to have a hold of it (as of now) but what I did not really talk about is how my Multiple Sclerosis has just been out of control, in fact, I would say it’s pretty obvious that I am in the middle of a relapse as I type.
I have dealt with depression for most of my life but I never REALLY talked about it, especially not online, not in a way that really shined a light on how bad of a problem it was for me. Since long before I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis it was just always there even if an apparent reason was not. I would just wake up with a heavy feeling of nothingness in my chest. No motivation and no desire to do anything but try to sleep in attempt to escape this feeling in one of my crazy and vivid dreams.
So yes, once again I fell off the radar. For the first time in many years I felt my clinical depression come back and just destroy me. Once I realized that this was what was happening, so much of what I have been complaining about recently started to make sense and what sucks is that I did this to myself. You see, when I was about 18 I was actually diagnosed with clinical depression. I have pretty much been on antidepressants ever since and I have tried so many until I found the one that worked for me which was/is Zoloft. So I feel really dumb because this is the stereotypical bi-polar disorder mentality; I feel bad so I need medication but after a while I feel good so I must not need the medication, not like I feel bad anymore right? I stop the medication and then I feel bad again. So a few months ago I was feeling good. I was no longer waking up feeling depressed for no reason so I decided to stop my Zoloft. I wanted to see how it felt to not be taking a handful of pills every morning that I might not even need. All I was taking was an anti-viral called Acyclovir which I have to take for so long after my last Lemtrada infusion to help make sure I do not get any sort of herpes-related virus.