So, for the last few nights I have either not been sleeping at all or sleeping terribly. The other night I went to bed at about 9pm but just lied there till about 3 or 4am. Then I fell into a light sleep but around 5am I was right back up so I just lied there till about 6 or 7am. All of this despite taking 50mg of Benadryl and 30mg of Temazepam… My thoughts were just racing full speed about everything and nothing. I have not had insomnia that bad in a long time! The next night I switched from Temazepam to Clonazepam. I seemed to fall asleep a little faster but I didn’t feel like it was a “deep” sleep, I had such vivid dreams! So vivid that I woke up feeling like I had been up all night actively doing the things I dreamt about. So all day I just felt like a zombie, extra exhausted, my body wanted to sleep but my brain wanted to go-go-go. This messed with all my MS symptoms as well so I felt utterly terrible. Now, I didn’t even take Nuvigil (a central nervous system stimulant for promoting wakefulness in things like Narcolepsy) so I blame the Oral Prednisone I was on for keeping my brain “wired”. It wasn’t much, the dose was really low, I was just taking it as a taper for the Solu-Medrol infusions I had just done which ironically did not seem to affect my sleep at all but then again, I had cannabis edibles for those nights.
I am not sure if I have mentioned this before because sometimes I don’t like admitting stuff like this (even to myself) but for the last 2 years or so I have been going through a bit of an identity crisis, again… MS is continuously changing my life and every time I have a major relapse and I am left living with a “new normal”, I have to learn how to come to terms with the changes MS left me with as well how to adapt to them. Several times in my life with this disease, I have felt lost regarding my identity; who I am and what my roll in this life is. For example, I thought I was going to be a photographer. Photography was my thing. I did some work (like weddings), studied it every day, and even took a class on it. But after MS did some more damage that seemed to have stuck, I slowly lost interest and gave up that idea. All of a sudden I was not “Matt the photographer” so I did not know who I was besides “Matt the guy with MS”. So I focused on writing but with more time and more “permanent disability” it became less enjoyable especially when I was not sure what my “ultimate goal” was. It was really hard to not think “what is the point of this? What difference can I even make?”