How many times have I said this? “I am changing things” “I am getting back on track” “this time will be different”. Well, yeah, I have been changing some things, setting new goals, I am getting back on track and this time? This time will be different.
Since my diagnosis in 2010 I have been on one hell of a roller coaster ride. Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis (RRMS) consists of what can seem like a non-stop series of ups and downs. But man, for me? What has been the most difficult is dealing with all this stuff mentally. Emotionally. I am definitely not getting into that right now but for the last few months or so I have just been… in one of the worst places I have been mentally in as long as I can remember. I knew I had to change something, things don’t change unless YOU change them (or so I tell myself) but I just could not get myself to MOVE.
So I first restarted my anti-depressant which I should have never stopped. My fatigue levels were so debilitating though that it was just further depressing me. So I made the decision to try once again to get on Nuvigil (150mg) so that maybe I could have a little more energy. The side effects that made me stop it in the past were worth dealing with if it only meant being able to wake up and function. Well to my surprise, Nuvigil is not affecting me at all like it did when I last tried it. I have my theories but what matters is that between my anti-depressant and a central nervous system stimulant I was feeling much better. My outlook on life practically changed over night! So I could finally think clearly. Or more clearly I should say. That thick fog that has filled my head for years had finally seemed to lift a bit after taking that one pill. But now my brain is always racing. This did not happen before.
Now I would say this is definitely a good thing but there is a small part of me that thinks otherwise because now I can’t stop thinking about all the stuff I have been avoiding thinking about for a long time which can become really distracting throughout the day. As well, I can see myself and my situation a bit better making the “problem solving” part of my brain work more efficiently for myself.. So it’s good but maybe a little bad (distractions) but actually good because this is stuff I had to address. OK, I am getting side tracked.
The extra energy made it a lot easier to want to cook and eat better. So I modified my diet, just trying to be generally healthy, not eat out, and try to get some vegetables in me every day. That kind of stuff. I also I started exercising every day. So overall I definitely have been feeling better physically and mentally and I only expect things to keep getting better (knock on wood). It’s like I said, I have new goals and ideas of what I want out of life so I’ll be working my ass off to get where I want to get.
By the way, I just have to say, I owe a lot of how I have been doing mentally/emotionally to a friend of mine. You know who you are. But yeah, got to give credit where credit is due.