I am 26 years old. I learned LONG ago that life is not fair. Statistically speaking bad things have to happen to a percentage of Earth’s population, that is just life. But UGH! It can be so hard sometimes to not just want to break down and say “life is so unfair” because it’s not! No one ever said it was but it still makes me so angry sometimes!
I have MS. Things are not getting better and maybe they never will? I get that. But as if just waking up and going to bed every day was not hard enough (for me) I still have to stress about all the same stuff everyone else in life does. Lately, I can not stop thinking about a career path. If I ever want to actually start my life I need a career. Not just a job, a career. I don’t know how I will manage one or what I can even do but I know I have to find something. Every idea I can come up with has its own issue; can’t work in a hospital because I am immuno-suppressed. I can’t do something that involves moving around because my balance is so bad I can hardly get around my own house without tripping. I can’t work at a computer all day because staring at a screen seems to make my vision worse (nystagmus, oscillopsia, whatever this is). The list goes on and on and on top of that my fatigue is often so bad that I don’t want to do ANYTHING and if I can get myself up to try I just can’t focus! My cognition is just horrible! How can I work any sort of job that requires critical thinking when one minute I can assemble a computer and the next I can’t do the most basic of math problems? How will I know if I can do my job tomorrow?
It’s driving me insane because it seems I have tried every pill there is for all of my symptoms and nothing works! Like I have just given up on trying to fight my fatigue; Amantadine, Nuvigil, Provigil, Ritalin – nothing works or if it did it only worked for a short period of time. My doctor won’t prescribe any of the other things like Adderall because they are too habit forming but sometimes I just feel so tired (and desperate for relief) that I think “Hell, I’ll even try cocaine, just make it go away!”
I would give anything to see straight again but I don’t think this symptom (whatever it is) is ever going to change so I am just trying to learn how to function with it but man, it would be so much easier if I had some energy and was just a little alert! But I am just out of ideas and don’t even have the energy to seek a solution… And again, on top of all this? On top of everything else MS is making me live with? I need a job. I have to work just as hard to live as people with no health issues only I have the heavy burden of MS on top of me… If I only had a little more energy and could actually think a bit more clearly maybe I could solve the problem that is my current life.
What do you take for fatigue? How do you manage a living with Multiple Sclerosis? Share below? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!