OK, Done Talking About Feeling Like Crap…

As I sat down to write this post I looked at all my notes about what I wanted to talk about… they are all about not feeling well and that made me think, “All I have really talked about since the beginning of 2015 is how I don’t feel well”. Well guess what, nothing has really changed there so why should I write a post about the same thing over and over? No, let’s just talk about what I did all week. Try to make this a little bit more of a journal.

First of all, my dog has really not been doing well; he is 11 years old and I guess people would call him a “big dog” so that means he is really up there. Where he was a goldish-yellow color at first he is now all white. He has always had health issues; he is allergic to the sun so the SoCal sky leaves his nose pink and raw. He always just licked off the ointment the vet gave him so… no use. He also always had horrible anxiety, like, he was always afraid to cross a threshold into another room or outside, even the transition from carpet to tile scared him (which yes, was funny – check out YouTube, it seems to not be a rare thing). Not really an issue anymore but he is still afraid of every little thing. Now he has a thyroid problem, a skin condition that leaves him with bald, raw spots (from scratching/biting) and the other week he developed huge lumps in his neck. We took him to the vet and… not cancer. Not tumors. Not an infection because his white count is not elevated. He stopped eating, probably because swallowing was too difficult as his neck was so swollen! They did a minor surgery to basically poke holes in the lumps to drain them out (puss, lovely). If you ask me I think they are abscesses but the white count thing is really weird so I don’t know. It was good for a few days but then started swelling again and he was still not eating. We really thought he was going to die the other night, he was losing so much weight and was so lethargic! Back to the vet where they decided to do a culture that takes like 3 days! In the meantime we have to (twice a day) stick this syringe thing with a plastic needle-like thing in his open wounds and push this iodine-like solution in so it will flush everything out of another hole… like a Neti Pot but instead of his nose it’s his neck… gross. He also switched antibiotics and after all this he is actually doing really well! He is moving around as normal and eating again. So that is good but we still have not got the culture results back and if they don’t have a permanent fix we are going to have to let him go because we can’t do this every day for the rest of his life. He is not in pain and doesn’t even seem to mind the neck thing we have to do but still, how long before those holes become infected? What quality of life is that? So that’s been… an ordeal…

Maggy and Ringo__4

Unrelated; I was feeling really… claustrophobic? I was freaking out because I have too much clutter in my “room” so today I got a lot of cleaning done and threw so much away! I still wish my room was more “empty” but it is much better. One thing I want to be able to store somewhere else is my collection of folders full of old artwork from before MS. I don’t want to see it on my bookshelf anymore because I used to always draw (nothing great, just little sketches) but now I can’t even write more than a couple sentences and even then the letters are never a uniform size and the words are never in a straight line. So I tried to sit down and draw yesterday, I spent forever trying to draw a simple happy face but I kept messing up! I can’t hold the pencil steady enough to even draw a circle! So that really frustrated me and resulted in my pencil being thrown at the wall haha… but today I tried again and… I drew a cat. Yup. That’s the picture above. Drew it with a marker and I colored it with Photoshop. Now look below at a random sketch to see where I came from and maybe you will understand why it makes me so angry to see them there on that shelf… I don’t need a reminder of what I can’t do.

drawing

Anyways, let’s do the cliff notes of the health stuff. I finally got my refill of Aubagio so I started that the other day. Lemtrada round two is at the end of September, so like, 6 weeks? Soon! I am also trying to get myself eating better, AGAIN. This time I tried making an actual meal plan, printing it out and posting it above my desk and going shopping for everything I need so I know I have it. 1 week at a time. So far so good, so we will see how it’s going at the end of the week. Nothing special I am just trying to see what I can cook on my own. I am not saying I don’t think I will ever get better but progress has been so… nonexistent that I finally accepted that I need to start learning to work with all this rather than sitting around waiting for it all to magically get better. I need to learn to make the best of what I have.

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