Been Taking a Break from Existing…

I have not been feeling so great… I am no longer even sure if I am relapsing or not! It’s just been a steady decline for the last couple of months if you ask me… I have felt not only fatigued but lethargic… the other day I felt like all my muscles at been worked out to the point of physical fatigue so even lifting my arm felt painful… sore… like my body lacked the physical energy to really move! I have been so dizzy and my vision (oscillopsia) has been crazy, I just don’t want to move or even keep my eyes open! I have been sleeping so much, the other day I pretty much slept all day which messed me up because that night I could not sleep! The next day I felt like garbage but was able to keep myself up so that come night I could sleep.

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I’m Sinking

I am sitting here feeling like I have actually hit rock bottom in my life but I don’t want to declare that because it can always get worse and with my luck? It would the moment I say that I have hit rock bottom. I spent a lot of time yesterday just sitting in my room staring at the wall, listening to nothing but the hum of my fan and thinking; I am so unhappy with my life. My MS has been out of control, I am very unhappy with my body, as in, what I can physically do as well as what kind of shape I am in. Fixing that is simple but not easy. I always try to workout or do some sort of light exercise but I am always just too tired or not feeling well enough! I feel unhealthy; I always say that I am going to really change the way I eat but it never lasts… It’s hard when I am just one person in a family of 6 trying to eat completely different, especially when cooking is so difficult for me now. On top of that, my financial life is a ship wreck, the best way out f this mess I can think of is to file for bankruptcy but guess what? I can’t really afford it! People file for bankruptcy because they are broke yet it is extremely expensive to file! Irony… I just want out of this hole that life has put me into (be it because of my MS or my own past habits and decisions that seemed like a good idea at the time)… I want to say it’s depressing but really? It no longer depresses me… it’s more just a feeling of hopelessness.

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Blurry Vision Today

I don’t think I woke up with it but halfway through the day my vision got really blurry! It has been a long time since I last experienced this. I first noticed it when I looked down at my phone to check something and I felt like I could hardly read! It was like I was wearing someone else’s glasses! I had to strain my eyes to make them focus but as soon as I relaxed them everything was blurry again. I was downstairs (where it was about 80 degrees) for a lot longer than usual this morning and then I went to the store and breakfast/lunch so more than likely it’s from my heat exposure… This extra sucks because it is the blurry MS vision on top of my oscillopsia! So keeping my eyes open right now really sucks… I am only writing this very short post because nothing ever really changes in my life anymore but now this so I want a record of it (mostly so I know when it started in case this lasts more than 24 hours). I feel like I can’t really see what I am typing so I am getting off… Hope everyone is well.

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