I’m Sinking

I am sitting here feeling like I have actually hit rock bottom in my life but I don’t want to declare that because it can always get worse and with my luck? It would the moment I say that I have hit rock bottom. I spent a lot of time yesterday just sitting in my room staring at the wall, listening to nothing but the hum of my fan and thinking; I am so unhappy with my life. My MS has been out of control, I am very unhappy with my body, as in, what I can physically do as well as what kind of shape I am in. Fixing that is simple but not easy. I always try to workout or do some sort of light exercise but I am always just too tired or not feeling well enough! I feel unhealthy; I always say that I am going to really change the way I eat but it never lasts… It’s hard when I am just one person in a family of 6 trying to eat completely different, especially when cooking is so difficult for me now. On top of that, my financial life is a ship wreck, the best way out f this mess I can think of is to file for bankruptcy but guess what? I can’t really afford it! People file for bankruptcy because they are broke yet it is extremely expensive to file! Irony… I just want out of this hole that life has put me into (be it because of my MS or my own past habits and decisions that seemed like a good idea at the time)… I want to say it’s depressing but really? It no longer depresses me… it’s more just a feeling of hopelessness.

I feel like I can’t even artistically express myself anymore, something that has always been very important to me. I can’t draw anymore, I can’t play music and I obviously can’t do anything physically demanding. Writing seems to be losing the feeling of fulfillment that it used to give me, I just feel like there is something huge missing from my life. There is so much that I know I can eventually achieve but even the smallest of baby steps seem like such a huge endeavor when you feel this way! I was planning to get so much done today but I woke up feeling physically fatigued. Not like the usual MS fatigue I deal with everyday, it feels like my muscles were all worked until they had no more energy, like I am not eating the right stuff to give them fuel and they are running on fumes now but I have been eating this way for years! So I am not sure if this is an MS thing or not, I am just too tired to really look into it. Just lifting my arm feels like I am straining to lift a heavy weight. My brain feels super foggy as well, I can’t think, I am even having a hard time speaking right! I also feel really ataxic, like, when I walk my legs don’t want to move in a steady manner, they either overshoot, undershoot or move too far out to the side. This is not helping my poor balance. All my limbs feel this way making every task extremely uneasy! It’s only adding to my fatigue, having to concentrate so hard on containing my limbs. Since so much of my focus is on not flailing around and falling it is affecting my cognitive abilities. Brain power that should be focused on thinking is being used on simply moving, moving in ways that should be muscle memory!

Maybe this is all a contributor to the fact that my vision has been insane the last few days? Stress on my body even though I don’t necessarily feel mentally stressed out? Or maybe I am just so used to being stressed out that I can’t even tell anymore? I don’t know. Not only is the oscillopsia horrible but my vision has also been fuzzy, like, out of focus. I was also thinking yesterday that maybe I need new short term/long term goals. Not too long ago I was hoping to be driving by now but maybe that is just too unrealistic of a goal for the foreseeable future? How can I sit here wanting to drive when I am slowly having a more and more difficult time just walking? I feel like every bit of my body is deteriorating so really I should be focusing on all that rather than wanting to drive and stuff like that. It’s difficult for me to accept but I need to focus on fine-tuning my life as if I were never going to drive again. To say I really am not ever going to drive again is too dramatic if you ask me but as far as the immediate future is concerned? I think I will be walking locally and taking the bus once it cools down… Sucks but really? To be able to just do that would be so much more than I can do now because at the moment I feel like just walking downstairs to switch my laundry is going to take a huge amount of effort.

At the moment I am not sure how to break myself out of this cycle, I mean, I have a lot of bits of knowledge I have acquired over the years thanks to all the physical, occupational, speech, etc., therapists I have seen but putting it all together to form some sort of daily plan to better myself seems so impossible at the moment! It’s just too much to think about right now… but I have to because I am sick of this, this is not the life I want, this is not even a life I am ok with settling for. I know that I have a lot of potential to better myself I just am not sure how to go about it yet. But I feel like I am slowly sinking in quicksand; the longer I sit around and do nothing the further down I sink so I need to do something and fast before I am so deep in this “mess” to dig myself out.

I just wish Lemtrada would have stabilized my health by now like it seems to have done for so many others but really it feels like I have just gone without treatment for a couple years and my MS is far too aggressive to just not do anything about it. I can’t wait to see my neurologist this month because I feel like we need to completely change the way we are treating this thing…

I am tired of not being able to see straight, see clearly, feeling dizzy, feeling weak, feeling fatigued, aching, and most of all, feeling like I am not in control of my life. I am tired of just not being happy or even content.

One Response to I’m Sinking

  1. Exiler says:

    Hey man, sorry to read that you’re feeling like crap lately. It’s true that MS SUCKS. May I share a quote that has helped me out with my physical and emotional ms roller coaster ride:

    “there is neither happiness nor misfortune in this world, there is merely the comparison between one state and the other, nothing more. Only someone who has suffered the deepest misfortune is capable of experiencing the heights of felicity. Maximilien, you must needs have wished to die, to know how good it is to live.

    So, do live and be happy, children dear to my heart, and never forget that, until the day when God deigns to unveil the future to mankind, all human wisdom is contained in these two words: ‘wait’ and ‘hope’!”

    This if from The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. I don’t know why this book had such a profound effect on me even before this whole ms crap. And now I can’t even read a book, because my attention is crap and it hurts to concentrate for more than a minute. And BTW, I’m not a religious person. Actually, I’ve always considered myself a atheist.

    We have so much to be thankful for. I’m convinced stem cells therapy will change everything soon.

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