I’m Sinking

I am sitting here feeling like I have actually hit rock bottom in my life but I don’t want to declare that because it can always get worse and with my luck? It would the moment I say that I have hit rock bottom. I spent a lot of time yesterday just sitting in my room staring at the wall, listening to nothing but the hum of my fan and thinking; I am so unhappy with my life. My MS has been out of control, I am very unhappy with my body, as in, what I can physically do as well as what kind of shape I am in. Fixing that is simple but not easy. I always try to workout or do some sort of light exercise but I am always just too tired or not feeling well enough! I feel unhealthy; I always say that I am going to really change the way I eat but it never lasts… It’s hard when I am just one person in a family of 6 trying to eat completely different, especially when cooking is so difficult for me now. On top of that, my financial life is a ship wreck, the best way out f this mess I can think of is to file for bankruptcy but guess what? I can’t really afford it! People file for bankruptcy because they are broke yet it is extremely expensive to file! Irony… I just want out of this hole that life has put me into (be it because of my MS or my own past habits and decisions that seemed like a good idea at the time)… I want to say it’s depressing but really? It no longer depresses me… it’s more just a feeling of hopelessness.

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