I am frustrated. The day before yesterday I was feeling pretty decent so I went for a walk and then did some very light exercises. I also wanted to see if Ritalin would magically start working so I took 20mg. I sat down for coffee, like any other day. After I finished I cleaned my mug, also like any other day. That turned into doing all the dishes which turned into cleaning off the counter tops which turned into me realizing we had no clean rags to work with so I did a load of laundry and then that turned into doing all the laundry in the laundry room and also cleaning and organizing the laundry room and probably more that I am not thinking of. It was too much. I don’t know if the Ritalin helped or if I just got myself going enough to not want to stop but… it was too much.
Yesterday I felt really tired and “dizzy”. My balance was off and my vision was so crappy so I pretty much lied around and watched TV all day. I did have a thought though; a lot of you with MS might have this, you look straight up and instantly feel dizzy, enough to fall. Well, I have had that for years but this vision thing I have had such a hard time explaining? It’s more like two separate issues. When I move my head left, right, up or down, too “quickly” (normally really) it feels exactly like that. My vision blurs and doubles a bit but I think it is as a result of the dizziness. Or maybe the dizziness is a result of the vision? A little of both? Either way it seems like I have both a vestibular and visual issue.
Well, today it is still really bad. I tried going out and working in the garden but I am having such a hard time staying upright and seeing what I am doing so… forget that. My legs still feel weak and I have also been noticing, I might have some minor foot drop in my left foot. I have almost tripped a few times and noticed I was tripping on my left toe. It has been years! Also, while I am walking, the flat of my foot tends to skim across the floor like I am just not raising it high enough. This sometimes causes my knee to lock. So I am not sure what is causing this… I do not feel like I am flaring up but at the same time I do not really feel like I have been inactive enough to cause all this? I don’t know… Although, as I am typing now I am noticing that I keep hitting multiple keys at once. What is wrong with my health? Why can’t I just be stable? I hate not knowing what state I will wake up in the next day… Will I feel well enough to start driving maybe or is it going to be one of those days where simply eating seems like too much of an endeavor?
SSI would help so much right now (as far as stress mostly) but they called the other day to clarify some information on my application and she asked why I am taking Zoloft. I said for depression and she asked if I felt like it was under control. I said yes but she kept asking more questions about it. I asked why she was asking and she said that she just wasn’t sure if the rest of my application would be enough to be approved. Really? I can’t see straight, I am crazy fatigued, I walk like a drunk and my cognition is crap and you are not sure if that is enough? But feeling a little depressed would do it huh? I swear, Multiple Sclerosis has to be the most misunderstood disease to the Social Security System… I wish I could make enough money from home to pay all my bills, live comfortably, make sure I am ahead on taxes and not be as stressed… but I can barely keep my head above water.