I already know the answer to that question but this is what I was asking myself yesterday. You see, I woke up around 3:00 am to use the restroom; just a typical night as I am sure many of you with Multiple Sclerosis can relate to. As I shut off the light and crawled back into bed I had to pause… My vision… Was it just in my head or was it actually just better than usual? I didn’t even notice while I was moving around but I wasn’t leaning against the walls or bracing myself on the counter! No… It’s late… I am tired… Surely this is all in my head… Well, I’ll just go back to sleep and see how things are in the morning.
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It was now 4:00 and I was wide-awake. I couldn’t stop thinking about this! What if today was the day that that tiny piece of scarred tissue in my brain healed just enough to finally allow that little electrical current to flow through the right pathways to my eyes? For that last hour I knew that all I had to do was turn on the light and see for myself but I have been trying really hard to get some decent sleep in the last few days and did not want to hinder that! But I was just waking myself up more and more by thinking about it; I was no longer tired and I pretty much felt like I was trying to take a nap after 2 cups of espresso so I just sat up, threw my covers off and turned on the light. My vision was not “back to normal” like I had imagined but it definitely seemed like it might be a tad better and when it comes to MS, better is better! Either way, I couldn’t remember the last time I woke up so early and didn’t feel like a zombie crawling out of the earth to see the light of day for the first time in years so it looked like my day was starting at 4:00 in the morning! But I didn’t have that hopeless feeling of insomnia; I felt like “today was going to be a good day”.
I went downstairs, brewed some coffee and turned on MSNBC. I had forgotten just how quiet the morning was! It was just me, the dark and the sipping of my coffee; and Joe Scarborough of course. A couple hours later I made myself breakfast, not the instant oatmeal I have been having since I got back from Colorado but some actual food. What I call a “scrambled omelet”; all the ingredients of an omelet but scrambled because I no longer have the necessary skills to make a proper one, but hey, it all tastes the same. After that, I took my dog for a walk which I have not done in forever! The morning air was brisk and I felt a lot more balanced than usual. Was I actually witnessing some improvement or was this all the result of a positive attitude? I didn’t care, I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.
After that, I spent some time writing for Multiplesclerosis.net and even though it has not done anything for me since Lemtrada I took a couple Ritalin just to see. Now I am not sure if things would have turned out this way on its own or if the Ritalin actually got the gears in my head spinning a bit faster but all my thoughts seemed to flow a lot smoother than usual; it didn’t feel like I was forcing it out and so I actually had a hard time stopping!
This is where my day started falling apart. After I finished writing I turned away from the computer and whoa! Everything looked crazy again! Things were back to their super unstable state and I started feeling really tired. Was I fatigued from my vision or was my vision falling apart because of my fatigue? Well, actually, something I have been suspecting for a while now is that staring at a screen all day was somehow making my vision worse, something my neurologist said there was really no evidence to support but at this point? I think it is definitely a contributing factor, something that has been aggravating my vision at the least. As far as my symptoms nothing else really got worse besides my balance but that was obviously due to my vision. This did, however, affect my mood. That and a bunch of small things like the neighbor’s dogs who never stop yapping were just irritating my very soul! My internet was cutting in and out and my wireless headphones were playing nothing but static. Stuff like that… I was no longer having a good day.
Today I woke up at 5:00 am and once again I felt pretty good. Something I need to make clear though; when I say good I mean way better than life after Lemtrada but still not as great as before Lemtrada so really? I was feeling like “regular MS crap” which is way better than I have felt in the last six months or so! I had my coffee, breakfast, watered the garden but skipped out on a walk as I don’t want to overdue it out of excitement. As I am sitting here writing I can tell that my vision is clearly falling apart so I think it is safe to say that the computer definitely (for whatever reason) messes with my eyes.
So let’s get back to my initial question; did I speak too soon or am I just being impatient? I am just being impatient. I got too excited over finally seeing some positive progress and was just disappointed that it was not everlasting but the fact of the matter is I am seeing improvement. Even if I only feel decent until about noon that is still way more than I have had since Lemtrada and even if I am not certain that I FEEL better I know for a fact that I am DOING better because I am doing things I have not been able to do in a while. It has only been two days… nothings happens over night. I need to just be patient, keep doing what I am doing and see how things change. Simple. At least I can say that I think the relapse that my trip to Colorado induced is finally coming to an end.