Daily Archives: April 23, 2015

Still No Change In Vision

It’s been difficult lately. I realized I am facing a new obstacle. An obstacle I have no idea how to properly face. The loss of hope. My vision (oscillopsia and nystagmus) is not improving; in fact, it seems to have got a bit worse again. I can’t remember (nor do I want to look it up right now) the numbers regarding how long a symptom stays around before it will probably become “permanent”. Some symptoms heal like a cut, leaving no indication anything was ever wrong with your skin, and scar over leaving a permanent reminder of that wound. Only the scars in my brain are not a simple “visual” reminder but a symptomatic reminder that affects my daily life. Off the top of my head I am not even sure how long this has been around but I know it has not been a matter of weeks but a matter of months and because it has been long I am loosing hope. Motivation. Energy. Will power. I have not been wanting to wake up in the morning. My alarm goes off at 5:45am and I get up to turn it off only to lie back down and fall back asleep till about 8. Everyday I sit here and kill time while I count down the hours till I can go back to sleep. The 8 hours I get to close my eyes and dream, 8 hours of life where the world is not spinning, 8 hours where I can function, see, get around, and just be “normal”. Even nightmares are more desirable than actually being awake where even sitting here and trying to write I feel dizzy. If I sit down and don’t move an inch I can watch a TV show or a movie and for a few seconds at a time forget that I am stuck in this constantly moving world. A world where I can no longer walk in a steady line. A world where I am constantly almost falling and a world where I can’t see anything around me unless I stop and don’t move for around 30 seconds to let everything slow down a bit. Even slowly turning my head left or right is enough to set off the spinning. It is miserable. am miserable. I don’t want to think about it but how can I live a productive life like this? I try to stay optimistic but because I chose to not remain “ignorant” in the mechanics of this disease my optimism is slowly burning out like a flame under the water of pessimism. My optimism is drowning in a sea of pessimism and I really don’t like who I am right now. Equally frustrating is my inability to truly describe what this is like. I can say “I feel dizzy” or “the world looks like it is moving” but that really does it no justice. I lack the vocabulary to express what this actually looks like. It frustrates me! Like I am stuck in my head trying to tell someone something but I am unable to move my lips. I feel… helpless? Makes me wish I could just be put in a chemically induced coma for 6 months while my brain heals and I just dream that everything is OK. But after all, maybe it healing, , like how our hair is growing only so slowly that we really can’t tell on a day-to-day basis? Maybe I just have to be patient and things improve with time? What else can I do? I can only wait and hope. It’s just getting so difficult. I am not sure what to do with this lack of hope and motivation. Again, this is a new trial I have never been through; . Even in the past, while I was in physical rehab, I at least showed progress, which fueled my hope. I could the changes almost daily but not now and it’s driving me crazy. It’s making me desperate. What drugs have I not tried? Baclofen? Maybe diet will help? Stress reduction? All things I am not sure how to properly accomplish. I tried making Salmon for lunch yesterday to increase my Omega-3 intake – green tea (which I hate) for it’s antioxidant properties. I even wonder about drugs such as Anti-Lingo-1