A Roundabout Realization

I went outside to feel the cool air; it was raining today, a
scarce happening for California these days. I stepped down from the porch and
walked across the street to the mailbox to look up at the sky above my parent’s
house. Dark, gray, just the way I like it. Then I looked down at the house, at
the bench I had sat on so many times in the past when I needed to go outside
and breathe or just think. It looked… different. Why? Why did it seem so
“foreign” to me? I stood there and thought about it and found myself desperately
searching the corners of my brain for some sort of answer, some clue, as to why
this small spot I have spent almost 3 years around felt… unfamiliar?

Then it hit me; it looked close. Close as in distance, not far, it was right there. 2 years and 2 months ago to the day I was sitting in that bench looking across the street at
the mailbox I was currently standing in front of. The mailbox seemed so far, the driveway felt so long, getting across seemed like a huge
feat. 2 years and 2 months ago this very spot that I was now standing in was a goal. I would walk down the driveway and
across the street and get the mail. I did it and at the time it felt so great.
My world was confined to the walls of my home on a good day and the walls of a
hospital room on a bad day. Crossing the street to the mailbox, it was like
crossing a vast portion of the world, it was so far to travel, my neighborhood
felt so large.
I have come a long way since then. I have actually traveled
abroad and among the USA. I have moved out of state, explored many areas of
nature, forests, beaches, mountains, deserts, and after all I have been through
and all I have seen I eventually found my way right back here, right to the
very spot I stood in 2 years and 2 months ago when I simply wanted to walk.
This spot? The world? It felt so small all of a sudden. Crossing the street
between where I stood and that bench no longer felt like an expedition. It was…
divine. That experience that happened in just a few seconds in my mind. It was
like when you spend hours trying to solve a math problem in school that just
makes no sense until all of a sudden you find that one single digit that makes everything work; flow. Like finding the final piece to a puzzle you
have worked on for so long.

I am far from
having my life figured out, I don’t even have much of a clear direction yet,
but even still, everything in the last few years, it took me all over the
world, I had so many opportunities to start so many different lives, but still,
I wound up in the same exact spot I was after the relapse that put me in
physical rehabilitation. Why? Whether you believe that life has a sense of
divinity or the universe simply tries to balance itself out like a mathematical
equation you kind of have to appreciate the fact that sometimes it feels like
everything happens for a reason. What is that reason? I have no idea yet but
it’s there, I know it, I just can’t see it at the moment. Life always works out
the way it is meant to.
Maybe this makes no sense’ I am still trying to figure it out. But those are my thoughts.

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