My MS and the Cold; I Have Had a Lot on My Mind

So all I have had (it seems) are excuses for why I am not
writing and I am getting tired of hearing myself say it. It’s been so hard to
work full time, take care of bills, errands, and just… life. So yeah, that was an excuse. Here is another one;
I have had a lot on my mind lately. “Soul searching” you could say. I have a
hard time wanting to do anything but
lay down and just think; stare at the ceiling and simply contemplate. I am not
depressed or anything I just feel like I need to think because I am so busy on
a daily basis that I don’t even have time to explore my own thoughts you know?
Right now I wanted to do just that; I got home from work, ate, and just wanted
to lay down and THINK but instead I
forced myself to sit down and write a bit.
I am not going to share what has been on my mind, lots of
personal stuff I suppose. Well that and the repeating question, “what am I
going to do with my life?” as in a career. No, more than that, a legacy; what
will the legacy I leave behind be? Maybe that sounds weird but it means
something to me; I want my life and all that I have been through to matter
somehow and I have not found the way that I feel accomplishes that properly
just yet. I know it will come in time but it annoys me; I wish I knew the
answer NOW. I don’t have that feeling of fulfillment in life.
Anyways, what have I been up to? Well, besides work, I have
been enjoying the weather. It has been in the teens and occasionally the low
30’s (-18 to 0 Celsius) and I love it. We had snow a few days and it has not
melted since it has been so cold. It’s funny though; it felt cold at first but I acclimated so fast. I got out of work
tonight and it was about 10 degrees outside (-12C) and starting to snow and I
felt fine in my T-shirt and work khakis. A co-worker was outside smoking all
bundled up in thick jackets and he said, “so you aint got nothin’ but a T-shirt
on and you feel fine? Oh that’s right, you told me you like the cold” haha it
was kind of funny. When we hit 35 yesterday I actually felt warm! Although, as
soon as a breeze hits my Raynaud’s Phenomena symptom kicks in and my fingers
feel like they are going to fall off even if my torso feels warm. I will
explain what Raynaud’s Phenomena is on multiplesclerosis.net pretty soon so
check it out when it’s published.
Surprisingly the cold has not affected my spasticity at all.
It feels great! I actually started wondering if maybe I don’t have constant
spasticity; I stopped taking Baclofen and I feel no different. I wonder if
maybe my stiff walking is just a compensation for my poor balance/leg weakness?
I walk heavy on my heels, I thump so loud on flooring that has space under it
like a room; maybe I am not walking as much as I am lifting a leg and then
slowly falling on it preventing me from properly stepping smoothly from heel to
toe. I just land on my heel and then move to my toes; two separate actions
instead of one fluid motion. It’s hard to explain. Point is, the cold is not
making my legs all tight and stiff. It only affects my hands so I need some
really nice gloves.
I looked at some battery powered heating gloves and wow,
they are cool, but expensive. Some just need a paint job and BAM; you have
Ironman’s armor! I think I will settle for a really nice pair of leather
gloves.
I can’t think of what else has been going on. I need to
write about everything  as it pops up
because trying to backtrack and recall everything that has happened is so
difficult. Hopefully I will find a way (personally) to start writing again
because I definitely have a little more time to write thanks to the Ritalin.
It’s really a life savor. I can function just as fine on 7 hours of sleep now
so that is an extra hour everyday to get stuff done. I just need to utilize
that time but as I said; I am basically experiencing writers block because I
have so much on my mind and I just can’t force
it.

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