A Moment of Weakness; MS is Making This Difficult


“Nothing worth fighting for comes easy”
I did not have such a great day today. When I asked for my
schedule a week ago (as it was not posted since I was still being transferred
into the system at this store) is said that I had today off. This morning,
while I was trying to relax off a headache at breakfast, I got a phone call. It
was work wondering where I was. They said I was supposed to be at work at 12:00
and it was 12:10. We discussed the fact that the schedule I received said I had
the day off but long story short, I work retail, I am a pawn, it’s my word
against theirs and since I no longer had the paper I was given with my schedule
on it I ran home (finishing my coffee on the way) and ran to work.
Work was a mad house and my minor headache turned into a
migraine. I felt so sick, my skin even hurt, but I pushed through it. I did
feel very negative though which is something I have been able to control for a
while now. Anyways I finally got to go home and I was on the verge of a mental
breakdown. “I can’t handle retail in a big box store” I thought. Screaming kids
running around, making messes, crowds of people, walkie-talkies, phones, people
lining up around me asking for help, etc. I could not breathe! I feel cornered
in life and I can’t think even a single move ahead in this ches. I need a new
job by December so I can fly back to California on the 13th to see
my family for Christmas as well as visit one of my closest friends to celebrate
her graduation and birthday. I refuse to miss this and I am not letting some
retail job stand in my way.
I actually talked to her (well, we texted) when I got home
and she knew what to say to calm me down, to clear my head. I feel better now,
I feel motivated. I still can’t find the clarity I am looking for in life but I
have been looking for that for at least a year; the ability to think clearly
and solve a simple problem. I have writer’s block in life.
I am trying to train my body to get by on less sleep but I
feel like even an hour less than what I am used to just messes me up! But I
need to learn to live on less sleep so I can have more time to eat better,
exercise, and write. Since I moved to Colorado and started working around July
I have lost almost 30 pounds and I am finding it damn near impossible to gain
it back which is depressing in itself because for a while I had reached a
weight I was happy with and it felt so good but now? Now I am back to being
underweight no matter how much I seem to eat. In physical therapy I learned to
do so much and now I can’t do even half of what I could. “If you don’t use it
you loose it”. I feel my health is greatly suffering from this job but what can
I do? I am on my own now; I have bills, responsibilities, etc. I need the
energy of someone without MS, the energy I had 5 years ago that allowed me to
work graveyard shifts that sometimes lasted 10 hours. My “limitations” are limiting what I can do and it’s
frustrating because I know I was once able to do them no problem.

Life is like business; supply and demand. What do I have
that no one else does? Experience. Experience
with a disease
that most people my age and gender do not. An ability to
write and speak. That is what I have. I wish I knew how to do this for a living
so I could focus on doing what I enjoy; helping people. Focus on that and get
paid for it so that I could continue to focus on it. It’s not about the money.
It’s about being healthy and helping others with Multiple Sclerosis do the
same. It’s what I feel I am meant to do. I just wish I knew how to get to that
point.

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