Multiple Sclerosis; MS; the Monster; the Beast; there are so many names for this disease that people refer to it as. “Oh the monster is showing it’s ugly face again today”, someone might say when experiencing some sort of flare. I have never called my MS anything, it just wasn’t me, I always felt a lot of these names were too… cute? They didn’t do the evil known as Multiple Sclerosis any justice I suppose. For my MS, I called it as it was; my MS. I never called it anything else because nothing really seemed to fit my MS as I experienced it, so no nickname from me.
Today I got an email from a fellow MS’er and she brought up the name thing and told me what she called it asking me if I had a name for mine. I answered “no” and pretty much just left it at that. Then I sat down for lunch flipping Netflix on to watch “Dexter” as I have been doing every day for the last couple of months or so (awesome show). As I watched I was still thinking about this email I had just received. Then it hit me. Dexter refers to his urge to kill as his “dark passenger” that sometimes he could control and sometimes would get the best of him. That’s it! My dark passenger! MS! My MS is my dark passenger. Sometimes I can control it and sometimes I can’t.
So I am on a ride called life that I was hoping would be just me and maybe a nice girl someday. Kids? Who knows? But now it seems that something else has hopped on along for the ride. Multiple Sclerosis. My dark passenger. I now have to ride through life with this dark passenger that I don’t want riding along with me but unfortunately is. It is on my journey with me for the long run. This uninvited passenger is doing everything it can to slow my ride down or even derail it. Most of the time I can control it, suppress it, keep it at bay, but sometimes it wins. Sometimes my dark passenger takes ahold of me forcing me to lie down in bed or stay in the hospital. Sometimes my dark passenger makes me do stupid things, forget important information, names, dates, and sometimes it causes me pain; both physical and emotional. Sometimes you may try to talk to me and think “wow, Matt is not himself today, he is being a bit of a jerk”. Well that would be my dark passenger running the show. It has greatly altered my life and now it finally has a name but that doesn’t make it any more powerful. This is the name that I gave it; I gave this evil a name because I own it. So now? Now I own it a little more.