A Rough Night and Rough Morning

Last night I posted about my spasticity being bad; it got worse. My leg was so tight last night and what was concerning to me was the fact that I have not been in any kind of pain since I started Tysabri but last night I was thinking one thing; Norco (pain killers). I didn’t take any though, I really have no desire to go back to the narcotic game, so I took all the over the counter pain killers that I could and sat in the shower with the massage setting pointing at my leg with as warm of water as I could handle. Sure it left a settle pins and needles sensation on my leg but hey, it helped a bit.

Read more

My Spasticity is Bad Today

Don’t ask me why, because I have no idea, but my spasticity really sucked today. My legs were so tight from the moment I woke up! At first I tried going for a walk to stretch my legs out a bit. It rained last night so it was really nice out (for me) so it was the perfect day for a walk. No sun, overcast, a calm breeze, a faint mist in the air, and the streets were damp. Along my walk I started feeling really “heavy” and I know I have said this before but I literally felt like I was carrying a 50 pound (22kg) weight. I felt like the ground beneath my feet should have been cracking. I pressed on an made it home at which point I noticed my left leg was starting to cramp up.

Read more

One Step at a Time

As I mentioned before, I am going through “a bit of a thing”. Multiple Sclerosis has consumed my life for the last few years and I am desperately wanting my own “non-MS” life. I know it’s a phase and maybe it’s one I need to go through but this transitional period of my life is tricky and frustrating to say the least. I am trying to get established and self sufficient but it’s so hard to know where to start when your stuck in a system that only wants to help you enough to survive and once you start moving forward from “surviving” to “growing” your obviously OK enough to be on your own. So I am just trying to breathe and take it one step at a time. I think it is too soon to come up with some “master plan” for setting up my life, right now I have to focus on moving forward just an inch at a time and soon I will build up enough momentum to move at a much faster pace but first? Small, strategic, moves.

School is obviously on my list of priorities not only for the sake of working towards something but also for the sake of rebuilding a social life… well… a life. A routine, a sense of responsibility, etc. But once again I have realized there is no way to jump right back in to school where I left off several years ago. The brain is like a muscle and as they say, “if you don’t use it you loose it”. If you sit in a chair for three years and never stand your legs will atrophy and become weak. Same with your brain; I have not been using mine and it has grown weak, I can feel it. Simple tasks stress my head out as if I was doing some complex mathematical task. It’s so hard to explain… As far as going back to school though, it’s like this; I am not just complaining that it’s too hard when I say I am not ready to jump back in, I am saying it’s too hard for my brain to complete such a task (if you look at my brain like a muscle that has grown weak.) If you didn’t use your legs for 3 years and they atrophied then it would be too hard to move a 50 pound weight across the room, not because you just don’t want to put the effort out, but because your muscles are not ready for such a task. My brain is not ready for too much schooling… I have to “stretch it out” a bit and like that Lumosity commercial says, “going to the gym is easy; you can work out any part of your body, but they don’t really have a machine for your brain” so I am still trying to figure out how to do that.

Read more