School is obviously on my list of priorities not only for the sake of working towards something but also for the sake of rebuilding a social life… well… a life. A routine, a sense of responsibility, etc. But once again I have realized there is no way to jump right back in to school where I left off several years ago. The brain is like a muscle and as they say, “if you don’t use it you loose it”. If you sit in a chair for three years and never stand your legs will atrophy and become weak. Same with your brain; I have not been using mine and it has grown weak, I can feel it. Simple tasks stress my head out as if I was doing some complex mathematical task. It’s so hard to explain… As far as going back to school though, it’s like this; I am not just complaining that it’s too hard when I say I am not ready to jump back in, I am saying it’s too hard for my brain to complete such a task (if you look at my brain like a muscle that has grown weak.) If you didn’t use your legs for 3 years and they atrophied then it would be too hard to move a 50 pound weight across the room, not because you just don’t want to put the effort out, but because your muscles are not ready for such a task. My brain is not ready for too much schooling… I have to “stretch it out” a bit and like that Lumosity commercial says, “going to the gym is easy; you can work out any part of your body, but they don’t really have a machine for your brain” so I am still trying to figure out how to do that.
So I am working on my cognitive skills, I started taking LDN (Low Dose Naltrexone), I will be seeing another doctor next month about a non-MS related health issues that could be greatly contributing to my fatigue, I will be going back to physical therapy soon to work on my gate, I added those heal orthotic things to my shoes to help with the shock of my steps (huge difference), I am getting my eating and exercise habits down, and just overall trying to get my health situated and my body strong so that I can head back into the world with all I got. I start school in January (one class, math) and I will try to join a club if I can. I will also be trying to volunteer at the Kaiser down the street from my school and hopefully between all of that I can rebuild a social life and maybe make some connections that can help me get back into work. Eventually I will also try to start working on portrait photography again but I am not sure when. I just know I need hobbies that are not all on the computer…
Oh yeah, I am also trying to get in to see a therapist; 8 week wait! I know I am messed up and can’t deal with all this on my own anymore, but 8 weeks? Ridiculous!
Once I feel “stable” with myself and have a “non-MS” life I will start working on a speaking career again. Obviously speaking from memory is out of the question (I really messed up that last speech if you ask me) so I have to create a routine, memorize it, and build a slideshow to go with it. Then I will see where it takes me from there. Again, I am just trying to go slow, one step at a time, no rushing, because that is when I start getting depressed. I am not happy with my life right now and it’s really easy to stay “stuck” in depression but I have been there too many times so I know I need to be really meticulous about how I get all this done because it doesn’t take much to fall back down.