Yesterday was my first day of school, one class, English history. Should be easy right? Nope…
When I first left the house to catch the bus it was about 6:30am and already getting warm and humid but not bad enough to prevent me from getting to school. I got to school and made it into my class. I had been looking forward to this day for a while now, I wanted something to do, something to keep me busy, and I wanted to be around people. I was all ready, pens, paper, and my laptop for taking notes since I still can’t write by hand all that well.
Here is where it all went wrong. Lecture started right away, no easing into it, so I tried to listen. Now the instructor said that this class was not about memorizing dates, it was just to go over the basics of “what happened” which I thought was good because of my memory issues. So I am listening and right away I am noticing that I can’t stay focused, even though I was interested, my mind kept going off in odd directions. As she spoke she would say a word that would make me think of something unrelated and while I was thinking about this unrelated topic she is still teaching and I am missing all that she is saying. I would snap out of it and try to refocus but before she could even finish a sentence it would start all over. I felt like I was sitting down listening to someone speak a different language. On top of that were the noises of desks creaking, doors closing, and people coughing that were making my heart jump and distracting me.
The trip home sucked, it was already hot by 9:00am and by time I made it home I was dizzy and feeling… bad. I almost tipped over several time just standing there waiting for the bus as if the entire world was tilting around as I tried to stand still in one place. I was fatigued from the heat and now feeling depressed. I spent an hour and a half in a class and I couldn’t remember one bit of it.
I am not saying I can’t go to school and get a degree, many people have overcome far worse, I am just saying, I think I took on “too much” too soon. Think of it like this. When I relapsed back in February 2012 and wound up in physical rehab, it took me for ever to be able to lift a 1lb (1/2kg) weight! After much time I could lift a decent amount no problem. The brain is like a muscle and I feel like I still can’t “life as much” just yet. Trying to start a class was like trying to lift a 25lb weight when I was still only ready for 1lb… No matter how hard I try I can’t force it to “lift” more than it can physically handle… I need to exercise my way back to that point.
If I am having issues with comprehension then “trying harder” will not help, nor will recording a class and listening to it over and over. If I was to record someone speaking a language I do not speak, I could listen to it a thousand times but I will never understand it because I have to be taught what it means. No matter how hard I try, it will still not make sense, I have to learn to understand it first. Throwing myself “in it” will not cause me to eventually figure out let alone catch up!
So it’s depressing because now I see just how far I have to go… I don’t have all the time in the world… I need to get some sort of degree quickly so that I can get a decent paying job with health insurance before I turn 26 and loose what I have now. I feel like I am always behind…
So I decided to drop the class while I still could without getting screwed for it. If I stayed and got a bad grade it would be on my record so I wanted to drop it before it came to that so I could get a refund and use that money to join a different class next semester. I can then take an online class which would allow me to go at my own pace and focus more on points I do not understand without missing a bunch of other points while I think. It is depressing and I am so disappointed but I have to be smart about this or else it will ruin my record and it will have been a waste of money. It just sucks because not only amd I further behind then I thought but I really needed to meet people that I could talk to or hang out with but instead I am back in my bedroom, alone.