Ever since my headache the other day threw me off my routine I have just been falling further and further away from it. I have not been going on my walks, I have not been stretching, and I have not been sleeping well. I have been feeling really sluggish, and worst of all, my motivation to do anything productive? It’s just dead.
Because I have just been sitting here doing much of nothing, I can feel it effecting my health. I feel much more tight and slow; it must be my spasticity. My balance is even a little off, I just don’t feel as “loose” as I usually can be. Not feeling “100%” (well my new 100% that is) is just further killing my motivation. Once you start feeling like doing nothing all you really want to do is… nothing… The longer you give in to this feeling the deeper into a ditch you dig yourself and the harder it is to get out. I know that I need to snap out of it but it’s just so hard! Maybe it ties in with depression, for example, today I just could not wake up! I was so tired! Sure I didn’t sleep great last night but not bad enough that I should have slept in so long! This is how depression makes you feel but I am not depressed!
I have so much to write about, so much updating to do, so much! But I just can’t find the motivation… I was on such good track but now I have derailed again. Maybe I need to make some sleeping aids again for a few nights, really force myself to get up early, stretch, walk, write a bit, and just force myself back on track. I need to be pumped up and ready to go for school at the end of this month, I don’t need to start it off poorly you know?
Though I don’t feel depressed I guess I am a little fed up with not having money. If I had money I could improve my health so much more! I could afford generic prescriptions, I could see a physical therapist, I could buy all the food that I feel I need to specifically help my health goals, I could save for a car quicker (which would help be be more active instead of living in 1 bedroom 24/7), etc, etc, I could just do so much more with myself… Build a life…
I suppose this thinking was triggered by me watching that show “Breaking Bad”. Walter (the main character, a chemistry teacher who was diagnosed with lung cancer) started producing/selling crystal meth because his life was just one bill after the other and after being diagnosed with cancer he did not want to leave his family behind with all the bills. For a while in the show, their son (who has cerebral palsy) had been complaining about the water heater never being hot enough, it had a leak, it had rusty water, it just was a piece of crap but they could not afford a new one. Despite the fact that Walter was hiding all this drug money from his family, he finally had enough of the water heater and replaced it. I understood that scene, many of us do, life being full of broken things in need of fixing but us never having the money to fix it, we just have to learn to live with it the best we can, “make it work”. Walter had been living this way but in that one scene, he saw the leak leading to a puddle of rusty water, he just had enough, that was it. Just the same I am sick of this, I am sick of “staring at the rusty water heater leak” and just wishing I could do something about it. Of course, selling drugs is not in my cards (haha), so I need to find another option, but what? It’s driving me mad!
I just want a degree so I can get a decent job, make decent money, get health insurance before I turn 26 (and loose what I have), and just simply have options. Living on SSI (benefits) is better than nothing but it doesn’t provide many options especially when your living check to check to pay off bills. I am so sick of medical bills, I am sick of feeling like it actually cost money for me to simply be alive! I don’t want to feel like my health is in control of my life, deciding where I can live, what I can do, MS should be nothing more than an obstacle… I need to come up with something new because I don’t have time to save for a few years and THEN start working on building a life, I barely have time to start building it now! I just have to dig deeper and see what options I can come up with.