My Life is Falling Apart

I know I have not been too active on here these last few days and it will probably stay like that for a while because it seems that my life and reality is catching up to me. I feel like I have been walking around with the pieces of my life in my two hands and I am struggling to keep them balanced on my palms. Just when I thought I was handling it all pretty well I realize that the pieces are staring to slip. It’s looking like I may drop them this time… I am not just talking about my MS life here, I am mostly talking about EVERYTHING, MS, my personal life, I just have no place else to write and I just want to explain that I might have to take a brake from the blog for a while, probably not long, but a while.

I will say this, my cognitive issues are making every aspect of my life so difficult that I don’t know how to handle it anymore. I have spent years focusing on hiding things like memory loss or basic inabilities to maintain a logical train of thought. I wish I had focused on fixing that problem rather then hiding it but of course, I was focused on my public appearance, not appearing disabled, and now, when life tosses a “real-world” problem at me? Well I can’t handle it as well because I did not focus on building those skills, I only focused on hiding that those skills were starting to lack.

In an argument for instance, I have a hard time remembering what was even said at the start of a sentence before the end of it even reaches my ears. I may not remember what someone said but I can remember the feelings those words gave me, if it was negative, positive, if it implied something or denied something. Its like when you have a dream that someone said something but you can’t remember what, just that it made you upset. So I might accuse someone of something in an argument and they ask for an example and… I can’t give them anything… It’s just blank. This makes me look like a liar… like I am just making something up and you know what? How can I blame them?

I feel like I am growing further and further away from people because communicating is so difficult and nothing makes me want to tear my hair out more than knowing what I want to say but not knowing what words to piece together to say it. I can define the word but I just can’t think of it! Then, two days later, it just pops into my head out of nowhere but it’s too late! This is a good example of me learning to hide this issue, I want to say a 5 word sentence but a couple words in I realize I can’t remember one word so I turn it into an elaborate 12 word sentence to make it appear as though nothing was wrong. This works in simple conversations but not in “real-life” situations…

I am tired of this, I am so frustrated with myself, it’s one thing for your legs not to work but when your mind stops working right? I can’t explain it, I don’t feel like me anymore, I can’t do the physical things I used to do and I can’t think the way I used to. Things I used to enjoy doing I don’t anymore. Music I used to listen to? I hate… I try to find something new to replace it and it just sounds… Well, music doesn’t sound as appealing anymore. It’s all sounds like something old that I have heard before a dozen times. It’s like the cliche’ idea that when someone is depressed “colors don’t appear as vibrant and taste is not as sweet” and I know I have been depressed lately but honestly? I am not depressed… Life just feels dull because I keep moving backwards in some way shape or form.

I have never wanted to be rich and buy a huge house full of expensive stuff and a garage full of sports cars, no, I just wanted a simple life, I just wanted to be happy. Even that… that was just too much. I only moved further away from that goal, I didn’t have my priorities strait after hi school, but that was my fault, I was no victim. Then out of the blue, I was diagnosed with MS. After a while I thought “OK, I got this, no problem” and slowly I thought I was moving forward again but no, once more, out of the blue, I had a major relapse leaving me with permanent damage. So instead of moving forward I moved further back then before. I don’t want to sound like I got it bad, so many people are worse off and more successful, but nonetheless, I am tired, I am so tired of every part of my life being a constant battle… I don’t even want much…

I AM TRYING. I am trying but I don’t have all the answers so I make mistakes, many mistakes. I can only do my best to not make them twice but more and more I am learning that my best it far from good enough.

17 Responses to My Life is Falling Apart

  1. Caren says:

    I can relate to what you are saying and feeling as I am also having MS related symptoms. Living with fear of unknown is killing me inside out. I can't really listen to music or think about my past, either. Otherwise, it makes me too depressed to even think straight. I wish someday, there will be a cure for MS plus many other diseases.

  2. I just want to learn how to deal with this better… A cure would be nice but I am not going to hold my breath for it, I need to learn how to be happy as life is so that if a cure comes along I will just be happier you know?

  3. Ann LaBarbera says:

    Matt you've written exactly how I've been feeling – right down to avoiding music, something I once loved. I'm almost agoraphobic these days because an awful comment my sister made to me "you have nothing good to offer now that you're sick" still rings in my head every day and when I feel as though I'm losing my mind along with my body it rings truer and hurts more so here I sit. I wish I had a miracle way for us all to feel better. All I can say is you're not alone. It may seem it but what you're feeling so many of us deal with daily as well. It's just hard when even getting online or responding to the people you know will understand seems too difficult to handle now.:( Please know that we'll all understand if you take a break from blogging and will all be here to talk if you need to. ((hugs))

  4. How could she say that, that's awful. You have to find something, no matter how small, something you can do to feel like your life has meaning, even if it's just helping someone online. Prove her wrong… Thanks though

  5. Anonymous says:

    Sounds like severe depression. Have you talked to someone?

  6. It's not depression, I have had depression since I was 15, I know all about it and I have learned to identify it, but thanks.

    • Anonymous says:

      If I may… You are making a serious mistake, if you don't start seeing a shrink (even if u have before). Everyone (sick or not) can be helped by therapy. Often ppl who need this the most don't think they do, myself included. this may wake you up angry, but im gonna say what needs to be said… sometimes you live in denial, hey who can blame you? Im no stranger to that shit either. promise your friends here, that you will get help

      In the mean time, try to change your mindset

      sleekcartim

  7. OMG, I am NOT just depressed, I have no problem admitting when I am, I have been living with this for 8 years, I know when it's situational depression, biological depression, and when something is actually wrong in life. I don't need a shrink, I need to make life changes. That's it… again, thank you all for your concerns.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Matt; you're making sleekcartim's case exactly.

    • Anonymous says:

      what he's not getting is everyone can benefit from therapy, esp if they have been thru trauma. this is certainly trauma. No one can handle this well for long, no one

      sleekcartim

  9. Sorry, but to the "Anonymous" people posting on here – Don't know if you even have MS or not, but it is a nice thing to SUGGEST something to someone as advice, but definitely don't SHOVE it down someones throat for gods sake. MS is not a "fun" disease, nor does it make us "happy", but we have our own ways of dealing with it and knowing what our bodies are telling us. It is what it is and we compensate. I think those of us with MS are not depressed so much, but more FUSTRATED with what we have all been dealt. My 2 cents….

    • Anonymous says:

      I don't think anyone shoved anything down anyone's throat. I think they all 'suggested' he get help for what his postings SUGGEST is severe depression.

  10. THANK YOU, "I think those of us with MS are not depressed so much, but more FUSTRATED with what we have all been dealt." That's the winning comment haha!

  11. Evie says:

    Matt,
    Thank you for writing this. It truly sums up how I feel and the heat doesn't help at all. I am going to send your post to my son. He doesn't get it… it is so difficult to explain how I feel and he refuses to believe that I even have MS… but that's another story.

    Anyway, thank you for summing up what I have been trying to say for months. Oh, and to the anonymous posters… if you have MS then you understand the frustration of this disease. Otherwise, please don't just dump everything into the depressed bucket. Matt is smart enough to seek help when and if he needs it. If you have never experienced cognitive issues, then you will never get it.

    Hang it there Matt.

  12. Thank you, thanks for understanding. I am sorry you have to deal with it to, I hope this really does help,

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