I know I have not been too active on here these last few days and it will probably stay like that for a while because it seems that my life and reality is catching up to me. I feel like I have been walking around with the pieces of my life in my two hands and I am struggling to keep them balanced on my palms. Just when I thought I was handling it all pretty well I realize that the pieces are staring to slip. It’s looking like I may drop them this time… I am not just talking about my MS life here, I am mostly talking about EVERYTHING, MS, my personal life, I just have no place else to write and I just want to explain that I might have to take a brake from the blog for a while, probably not long, but a while.
I will say this, my cognitive issues are making every aspect of my life so difficult that I don’t know how to handle it anymore. I have spent years focusing on hiding things like memory loss or basic inabilities to maintain a logical train of thought. I wish I had focused on fixing that problem rather then hiding it but of course, I was focused on my public appearance, not appearing disabled, and now, when life tosses a “real-world” problem at me? Well I can’t handle it as well because I did not focus on building those skills, I only focused on hiding that those skills were starting to lack.
In an argument for instance, I have a hard time remembering what was even said at the start of a sentence before the end of it even reaches my ears. I may not remember what someone said but I can remember the feelings those words gave me, if it was negative, positive, if it implied something or denied something. Its like when you have a dream that someone said something but you can’t remember what, just that it made you upset. So I might accuse someone of something in an argument and they ask for an example and… I can’t give them anything… It’s just blank. This makes me look like a liar… like I am just making something up and you know what? How can I blame them?
I feel like I am growing further and further away from people because communicating is so difficult and nothing makes me want to tear my hair out more than knowing what I want to say but not knowing what words to piece together to say it. I can define the word but I just can’t think of it! Then, two days later, it just pops into my head out of nowhere but it’s too late! This is a good example of me learning to hide this issue, I want to say a 5 word sentence but a couple words in I realize I can’t remember one word so I turn it into an elaborate 12 word sentence to make it appear as though nothing was wrong. This works in simple conversations but not in “real-life” situations…
I am tired of this, I am so frustrated with myself, it’s one thing for your legs not to work but when your mind stops working right? I can’t explain it, I don’t feel like me anymore, I can’t do the physical things I used to do and I can’t think the way I used to. Things I used to enjoy doing I don’t anymore. Music I used to listen to? I hate… I try to find something new to replace it and it just sounds… Well, music doesn’t sound as appealing anymore. It’s all sounds like something old that I have heard before a dozen times. It’s like the cliche’ idea that when someone is depressed “colors don’t appear as vibrant and taste is not as sweet” and I know I have been depressed lately but honestly? I am not depressed… Life just feels dull because I keep moving backwards in some way shape or form.
I have never wanted to be rich and buy a huge house full of expensive stuff and a garage full of sports cars, no, I just wanted a simple life, I just wanted to be happy. Even that… that was just too much. I only moved further away from that goal, I didn’t have my priorities strait after hi school, but that was my fault, I was no victim. Then out of the blue, I was diagnosed with MS. After a while I thought “OK, I got this, no problem” and slowly I thought I was moving forward again but no, once more, out of the blue, I had a major relapse leaving me with permanent damage. So instead of moving forward I moved further back then before. I don’t want to sound like I got it bad, so many people are worse off and more successful, but nonetheless, I am tired, I am so tired of every part of my life being a constant battle… I don’t even want much…
I AM TRYING. I am trying but I don’t have all the answers so I make mistakes, many mistakes. I can only do my best to not make them twice but more and more I am learning that my best it far from good enough.