Loking Back Before My MS…

 I try not to do this ever, all it does is depress me because it’s easier to see what you have lost rather than what you have gained over time.

I was feeling down again and I turned on Pandora Radio; for some reason it was on my “piano station” which made me want to play. I don’t know the science behind this so maybe my thought process is garbage, maybe not, but they say something like the part of your brain that is in charge of music is also in charge of math. Maybe, if I could start playing some music here and there my brain might function a little better? Since I got back from Ireland I have not been able to find the power adapter for my keyboard so of course I have not been able to play at all. I started looking in all my storage stuff which might be what put the whole “looking back” thing into motion. I went through boxes and crates of old stuff like my bowling balls and finally I found an adapter that works but it is 9 volts instead of 12 (or something like that). I plugged in my keyboard and sat down to play… It was horrid… I could hardly remember how to play a song that was at one point muscle memory! I was hitting the wrong notes, my timing was way off, it was ugly… I turned it off…

I decided to go get my hair cut since I have been wanting to go, so I hitched a ride with my mom while she went to drop my brother off at work and go to the store. I was done pretty quick so I walked over to Target (the store) and sat in Starbucks with a small drink. I can’t believe how much time has passed and how much has happened to my life in that short of an amount of time (even though it feels like for ever)…

Maybe 4 years ago I was working at CVS Pharmacy, I made good money, I had a truck, and I knew everyone in the surrounding stores. We used to go across the street to Pop Eyes and the girls there would give us a bunch of free chicken, biscuits, fries, and drinks even though they were not supposed to. We would then take a 45 minute brake when we were only supposed to get 5-10, eat dinner, play blackjack with our own chips, and on Mondays go bowling after work. Then we would go to Denny’s and my night would end around 1-2am.

When I worked during the day I would go across the street to It’s A Grind (a coffee place) either before work, on my brake, or after work. I knew everyone there and they all knew me to the point where I would walk in, they would ask “the usual?” and I would say “yup” and they would start making it even if there was a line ahead of me. I often paid for a small and got a large and I would sit and think or spend hours writing. I used to write fiction, screenplays, a novel, I worked on a lot but never finished anything. Sometimes I drew…

Life was great, and again, I had so much money especially for someone living at home rent free. For a while I worked graveyard at 13 different stores in the Riverside/San Bernardino area averaging 40-50 hours a week which meant overtime. I could go out when I wanted, buy what I wanted or needed WHEN I needed it, I had all the freedom I needed. I blew so much money…

Now I am on a fixed income, don’t have a job. no school, I don’t have a car, I am stuck in my room, and I have to always think about my health and how it applies to everything I want to do in life. I no longer buy what I want but what I need and a drink from Starbucks is a treat all in itself. I don’t have any friends to hang out with anymore, in fact, I don’t even know anyone in person… The little life I have left revolves around MS… I have almost no independence which is the hardest part to deal with. Of course it’s got way better over the last year but I am still unable to start my own life up again, I am stuck, and I hate it. I have almost no options here…

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