What Changed?

So the other day I talked about how I felt like I was returning from the moon. Now that it has been about a week since I came home from Ireland I want to go over how I have been feeling now that I have had time to really ponder upon it.

When I arrived in Ireland I felt much like I feel now, I THOUGHT I was feeling what I would call “great” but after a while, without me really realizing, I was doing much better than I have been since my last major attack that sent me to rehab. Again, it did not really dawn on me at the time, but looking back it is pretty obvious. My balance was way better, my head was not spinning, I really had no spasticity, I could walk and walk for miles (kilometers) without getting fatigued, and best of all I had no noise sensitivity! I felt like I did not even have MS! Very odd…

Even more odd was my coming home. Like I said before, it was like coming home from the moon, from zero gravity to earth gravity, like stepping out of the swimming pool, everything feels so heavy now, especially my feet when I walk. I can barely do 2 miles before my legs start to give out and my balance is falling apart again, in fact, sometimes my head spins like I stood up too fast or something… My noise sensitivity is back, once again I am jumping when someone starts talking to me and I am not expecting it, things are getting louder, it’s weird. I am also feeling more clumsy, I burned myself several times cooking and I splashed boiling water on my hand. At this point, I feel like I just woke up from a dream in which I did not have MS and now I am slowly coming to the realization that “wait… I DO have MS and I FEEL it…”

I almost feel like I got shoved back into another body, like I am a race car driver who has a really nice car on the track but now has to go back to some piece of junk at home. My body is like a car, I may be stuck back in a piece of crap but I am still the same driver who knows what it’s like to drive a nice car, I just feel trapped in a broken machine once again. I want that nice car back…

If you asked me, 75-80 degrees Fahrenheit (23-26 degrees Celsius) is not that hot, in fact, here? That is nice! But even though I don’t feel that hot, it must be just hot enough to still effect my body… As I noted before, it was in the 30’s (0-6 degrees Celsius) when I was in Dublin, maybe 42 at the most, that is the only difference I see right now that could account for my change in health since I have got home. No stress, just temperature change. It’s so… weird…

9 thoughts on “What Changed?

  • April 8, 2013 at 2:24 am
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    I'm so sorry, Matt. What a disappointment. Your analogies are very helpful in showing us what this has been like for you. It sounds so surreal.

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  • April 8, 2013 at 2:57 am
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    Yeah, it's weird, getting all that for a month, then coming back to the reality of my disease, haha it's… lame. BAH!

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  • April 8, 2013 at 1:22 pm
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    No, I honestly think not, I am really good at stepping back and looking at a situation objectively haha

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  • April 8, 2013 at 2:44 pm
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    Matt, is the tysabri slowly wearing off?

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  • April 8, 2013 at 4:03 pm
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    No, I was feeling better and better every day, then i came home and immediately felt different…

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  • April 10, 2013 at 5:08 am
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    Matt, what happened to talk of coming up here to Seattle? The climate is really better suited for people affected by temperature. As you may remember, my daughter has MS also, and I think living here helps her.

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