I was out doing my morning walk, which has slowly become my occasional morning walk, and I decided to try something.
The other night I had a weird dream, I won’t get into the details but at one point, I was in an office building exploring the various rooms. It was some sort of physical therapy center where different patients were learning to walk, roaming the halls, getting medication, participating in random activities, or just watching TV. I came to the realization in this dream that I did not suffer from any sort of MS related disability, specifically, no spasticity in my legs. Next thing I know I am leaving the building down some steps where the end met with a long, wide, dirt track that many people were running as if that was the normal means of transportation in this world. For some reason I had an office chair and I began to walk the track. Then I threw the chair over my shoulder and I began to run with it, didn’t even think about it, I just ran even passing some of the slower runners. I am not sure where I was even going on this odd road of joggers, I just know I was running and it felt normal in my dream.
Today I decided “you know what? I am going to try to run and see what happens. I feel, in my head, like I could just get up from my office chair and start a jog, even a sprint, that’s how it feels. I feel like I have the energy and I feel like I have the strength. I have not tried running in months and that was just in the backyard when I was playing with the dog. So along my walk I stopped at the park, it was empty as it’s a Monday, I walked to the soccer field, and I tried to run.
Despite how I feel and my interesting dream, I could not. It’s like my body forgot the motion of running, or maybe more like all the tiny movements of each muscle in my legs that are required to run no longer function, just the basic muscles needed to lift my leg and set it down work, very gross motor function is all I seem to have. When I try to land each step, even walking off a curb, I feel like a sketching figure, you know, those wooden figurines that are in the shape of a person? They have very few joints and can only flex with limitation. So my legs do not disperse the shock of each step like they should so anything sudden or heavy gets sent into my spine… I can’t make my body run no matter how hard I try, no matter how much energy or strength I feel I have, I just can’t move that way anymore.
I didn’t really suspect anything different would happen, although, I do seem to be able to move just a tiny bit more than I could before. Just a tiny, tiny bit, but enough to call it progress. So now I think I will have to work on the treadmill at home and see if I can increase my walking speed, maybe if I use the side bars to take most the weight of my legs I can work up to a smooth jog by focusing strictly on the movement of my muscles, my gate. I don’t think it’s impossible, it will just take a lot of work, so we will see.