Usually this is not an issue for me anymore, but MS got be pretty depressed I think. I woke up and had a decent start of a day, I wanted to get a lot done today. I decided I was going to do a youtube video so I got my camera gear and walked to the park for a nice, peaceful, environment. I had some note cards to help me remember all that I wanted to talk about so this should go nice and smooth.
I started filming and I could feel I was tripping over my thoughts, my brain was “congested” and nothing was running smoothly in there. All I could think about was how in Ireland, in that cooler weather, I could think so much more clearly than I can here. Speaking my thoughts was easy there but now I am sitting here at the park, during what I would call “nice weather”, and it’s like none of the words or the cognition that my brain sent to my mouth was actually getting through. That signal was being interrupted. It was so frustrating, knowing what you want to say but not being able to say it. Like thinking about how I used to be able to run and now, I just… can’t… Only it makes less sense to my brain!
So I was getting frustrated and I even paused a few times to try to let my brain and mouth get on the same page. Then a girl and her boyfriend decided to start playing baseball right behind me and they were being super loud, even though they saw I was talking to a camera on a tripod it’s like they wanted me to go away so they could have the park to themselves. Usually I would not have gone away because I am stubborn but I just could not think as it was and then with them being all loud with the baseball, the bat, laughing, talking, I just cracked. So I packed up my stuff and walked away. I tried calling my friend because I just needed someone to talk to but he is working a graveyard shift now so he was asleep. I have so much I need to talk about, to let out, to vent, but I can’t, I have no one who is not online anymore. I appreciate all my “online” friends and would not be where I am today if it was not for them, but sometimes you just need a live body on the other end of the table you know? A friend who does not have MS, a friend who will try to understand, I have almost none of those and those whom I do have were not available.
So I will do what I always do, feel like crap for a bit and wait for it to blow over.