For the last few days I have seemed to be in a “grumpy” mood. At least that is how I FEEL… This was started by my noise sensitivity (I think), it must be getting worse, I hate it… Everything is so loud, startling, and there is so much noise in this house. Cupboards snapping shut, drawers and doors slamming shut, dishes clanking, voices, the TV, I just want to dig my ear drums out with a spoon! It’s almost inescapable! It has become a prison so now I “hide” in my room with my noise canceling headphones on like a bullet proof vest but guess what? If you are shot while wearing Kevlar your not going to die but your still going to the hospital with some broken ribs at the least. I talked to my neurologist about it and he said it is related to spasticity (sensitive startle reflex) and that there is nothing that can be done about it except prevention, avoiding loud noises. Not easy to do in a house of 6 people!
So noise, noise, noise, it’s making me crack, it put me in a bad mood this week and you know how that goes, it’s like an avalanche and after it starts every little thing in it’s path just adds to the mass of it. Little things are effecting me way more than they should. The other day I upped my Citalopram back up to 20mg because the stress is making me feel hopeless, and again, I am just staying in my room and using music as a shield but it’s not always enough, plus, sometimes I just want silence! I hate having to wear these headphones all the time to avoid stress! I just want my own place… My own place, my own rules, my own way of life where cupboards and doors are not slammed shut. I can’t handle this, my heart can’t handle this, I wish I could have an EKG right now, I would love to know if my heart beat is irregular because it sure feels like it! I just can’t wait to go to Ireland and be happy for a while with someone who will make an effort to be considerate of my symptoms.
I think as well I am frustrated because now I am doing better with my health but as always life never moves at the same pace as you do. I am ready to get a job and start my own life back up (or over again I should say) but now life does not seem to be permitting me to do so just yet and it’s hard to be patient when you are ready to go, go, go after a year of doing nothing. I think that is adding to by frustration just a bit… I want a job and I want to earn my own money again! I am so tired of doing nothing all day! I want to be busy with responsibilities once more… — Oh my gosh, I could throw out all the dishes right this second —– Anyways, I am tired of being on a fixed income and having a cap on my bank account, having a cap on my options in life, I just feel so suffocated!
I think maybe I just need to get a map of my life going so that I can feel like I have some direction (this should come to be soon) but right now I am just lost in the unknown and that is not a good place for the mind to be…