Trying to Write With My Hand


Everything is starting to feel like it’s taking so much effort. Writing? So much effort, not just the actual typing, but the thinking of what to say and how to say it. No longer does it flow like a stream but instead like a leak down the cracks and crevices of some old road. It used to be natural, like breathing, didn’t even have to think about it, but now it’s labored, now I have to actually think about moving every muscle of my diaphragm to breath, I feel every inch of effort pulling at my ribs, my thoracic cavity increasing, everything, it should just be air in and air out, I hate it.

 Not one moment passes where I do not feel as though something is wrong with me. I am tired of being sick and sick of being tired. I am so sick of MS. I just want a break, one simple moment of remission. I have to work so hard to have so little, it’s exhausting. I am trying to keep positive but I just don’t see how anything will change much, I hope I am wrong…

Monday I plan on returning to school. It’s a BS class, web design or something, it’s all they had left when I registered, I just want to assimilate back into “life” so I am fine with it. Just want to be around people, non-hospital people. I will slowly work my way back into regular classes as I get better. Perhaps the extra stimulation will help my brain heal instead of settle. Who knows, time will tell.

Oh yeah, last night I sat down with a pen and paper and for the first time all year, I wrote. It was sloppy and I just did my ABC’s and a couple sentences, but I still tried and I still did it. I can’t believe that I used to draw, even sculpt, and now I can barely write my name. It feels so unnatural… So I am going to practice at that everyday, should be interesting to see the evolution of my fine motor skills like that. You know, I pretty much type with one finger in each hand. Well, my pointer fingers and middle fingers, thumbs for space, I used to type so fast, it just trips me out. I know how to do what I want to do in my head but then my hands just won’t do what I tell them to do. That is how a lot of my body feels. I stare at my legs, they look like they should work, but they just… don’t…

Hopefully I can come up with some exercises to improve all this. The thing is, I need it to be fun or else I will just grow to hate everything which is why I won’t play music. I don’t want that to become an exercises, I will grow to hate it. I think I will start off with coloring books, like children, learn to color in the lines, fine motor skills, the fine movements of the wrist, all the control. It is going to be hard on the pride, I used to be able to draw and now? Coloring books. But I got to suck it up and just do it. If I don’t push myself to do something different my body will never try to adapt, it will just settle… I think haha…

Anyways, let’s see, vision is not really doubled anymore. It splits if I overexert myself but for the most part it is just a little blurry. Hard to focus when I am moving my head, it’s weird. Scanning is hard… Annoying… There is a settle shake to my vision at the moment, like a flickering candle. I want new glasses but no sense in getting them now if my vision is still settling. So going to hold off on that. Plus I don’t have vision insurance anymore so I have to pay out of pocket. Just happy it’s not doubled but I am so sick of feeling dizzy… I can not remember what it’s like to not feel dizzy or disoriented, steady. That would be like getting high for me now, to feel sharp and focused, oh how I wish!

4 thoughts on “Trying to Write With My Hand

  • October 17, 2012 at 2:35 am

    hand writing? it's so last year. haha.
    no, not funny at all.

  • October 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Matt i think you should consider taking anti depressants. It seems like if you are over a strong type of depression.

    Thank you,
    Herbert Loeb
    San Vicente de Paul Hospital Colombia

  • October 17, 2012 at 11:24 pm

    Lol I know it is, but I used to be "an artist" (w/e that is) so its something I should know lol. And I have been on many antidepressants since hi school, this is me on a "good" day lol…

  • October 27, 2012 at 1:06 am

    I had to reteach myself how to write again too. I have some sort of parkinsonism and am 25. The doctors don't know specifically what is wrong but it is quite frustrating to not be able to write well.


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