Been so… Depressed…

Photobucket

I wish I could blame it one the weather, well, maybe I can, I always get depressed in the summer, but I don’t know. Been looking back too much, forwards doesn’t look so great right now, so back it is. Back is never good… But many things have contributed to this depression…

Things should be different. I messed up though. I miss the past, even just 1 year back while I had MS, it was better, I was so blind to what I had, I have so much regret even though I would not change it even if it means much more pain to come, that’s just what I believe is best. Doesn’t change the fact that I live with a lot of regret right now.

No more friends, no more love, no more independence ugh! Why am I thinking about all this? I know, I know, I know, I need to look at what I have and not what I don’t have, I have heard it a million and one times before but I think it is human nature to look back like this, that or I am a masochist…

I was going through old pictures… I hate pictures… But then at the same time I regret getting rid of so many… I can see all the gaps in my life, gaps that I created with fire. I wish I didn’t do that. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am mostly depressed that… Well… Not because of my health… Sure, that depresses me too, even when I was first diagnosed I was out hiking, living in nature, doing things! Now I don’t, I can’t… Not like that, physically speaking, and because I have no more friends to do that kind of stuff with. I feel like everyone is gone and some of that is my own fault…

Sometimes when I stop and think, I think that memory loss is a good symptom for me. Memories hurt, a lot. But then I see those gaps in my photos and I think, I will loose those good memories for ever, and I would rather be able to look back, remember… I can write them down, try at least, but I don’t know if that is a good idea for many reasons. Why did I destroy those photos… We live in the “now, now, now” and at the time I am sure it felt better, but now, in the future, it just caused more pain, more regret, but most of us do not know how to do what’s best for the long run do we?

I just want this to be over, this depression. It’s been hitting me earlier and earlier everyday, in fact, today I woke up depressed at 5am. Went back to bed and did not get up till like 9:30 or 10. That is not like me. Its 11:20 and I am barely getting my day started…

I wish I could start over, but this is what I get for my mistakes, my actions, the consequence so I have to figure out how to deal with it. I just miss what I had.

28 Responses to Been so… Depressed…

  1. Anonymous says:

    Dude,

    Just go out and join a support group or something. I know the disability sucks and is a big part of it but it sounds like your more lonely than anything else. There are plenty of people out there who would like to hang out -just try a support group first. (and smoking some weed wouldn't hurt….) 🙂

    PS I have MS as well (but nowhere near as bad). Was on Avonex for 10 years then Neuro just switched me to Copaxone since the most recent scan was not good. Memory loss seems to be my prevalent symptom. Anyway, stay positive and get out there and meet some people. Good luck and tank you for the site-I'm sure it helps others as well as yourself. Lata

  2. Matt Allen G says:

    Yeah I would if I had a car… Stuck inside all day everyday. Boo. Hopefully the Copaxone works for you!

  3. judy says:

    I hope you have someone there to lean on Matt. I'm sure one of your brothers would want to hang out. Depression is something my son deals with daily also. I know you can't walk far sometimes but what about going out in your wheelchair. If you do will you take some pictures of interesting things there? I love pictures of random things. My daughter takes pictures all of the time of things that seem silly but they are so cool the way she angles the camera. She took a picture of her doorknob and so many people love that pic. I am the one in the family who is always taking pics at holidays and stuff.
    And I know it's not my business but, if you don't have a prescription for weed I wouldn't recommend it. But I have heard that it helps people with ms. Well, Montel Williams says it helps him.Talk to a doctor first though.

    You're in my prayers. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Matt,

    I still think that stem cell trial thing is the way to go — can give you something to focus on right now instead of a potentially long time to raise the money.

    You need to be trying to do something — it's productivity. Human beings thrive on it. Advise is easy to give, i know, when you are not the one thinking about that. I just think you would be a good candidate — I would be doing it if I was! I just really care about you.

  5. Matt Allen G says:

    Ha… No, I don't really, and I do not get along with my brothers. Actually walked more today than usual but feel horrible because I pushed myself too far.//

    PRODUCTIVITY, yes, I need it, NEED it, people do not get it… Now I can not be as busy as I was and I am loosing my mind…

  6. judy says:

    Well hang in there. Things will get better. Won't insurance help with your stem cell procedure? If not what about contacting the company to see if there may be anything that can be done. Maybe payment plan or something.

  7. Matt Allen G says:

    Nope, that is why I have to leave the country and nope, cash only haha

  8. Anonymous says:

    Matt i think you mentioned you had itching on your head? Im having that now, it making me crazy. mostly on the back & top of my head. is there anything that can help that?

    sleekcartim

  9. Anonymous says:

    Trust me i know… It helps to KNOW & remember that depression makes you feel this way. It's not really you.

    sleekcartim

  10. judy says:

    You have to LEAVE THE COUNTRY ????

  11. Matt Allen G says:

    Nothing seems to help me, Benadryl does but it knocks you out… It just sucks!

    And yes, Panama

  12. judy says:

    What symptom does Benadryl help you with?

  13. Anonymous says:

    maybe i saw somone on Youtube had itching symptom. I dunno. im MS dumb :>( friday i see the MS doc for 1st time (after about 6 mo waiting)!

    sleekcartim

  14. Matt Allen G says:

    Well it's not exactly a typical symptom so no, no dumb haha

  15. Anonymous says:

    Wow this blog he gets home but I don't think I have the symptoms as bad as you do because I'm still walking and I can work 16 hours a week…maybe that's what my future will be like because I get a little depressed now but not for days at a time like that bad when your in your bed all day. I think holding grudges with yourself on the have can't help anything but it is still healthy to cry sometimes in fact it makes you stronger the next day and ready to tackle on another day. sometimes when I cry I can't stop …but sometimes when I laugh I can't stop either but I love to laugh and may be a bit of a smart ass…but its all good! Find something to smile about today…and take it 1 day at a time….. ***Maria*** 🙂

  16. Matt Allen G says:

    Haha I can't cry anymore it seams, not a pride thing, I WISH I could just sit down and cry, but I jut can't seem to. So yes, I smile and laugh and pretend I don't feel miserable because what else can I do? And you shouldn't compare yourself to me, what you are going through is probably worse than anything you have been through, so 100% is 100% whether that is 10/10 or 100/100. Perhaps I have lost you haha…

  17. Anonymous says:

    I like that thought 🙂 I also have to realize that I'm still working 16 hours a week. I took on a 40 hour a week and it nearly ruined me but I know if I didn't have things going on I would totally get depressed and I think that's probably normal..and the profession I'm in gives me a reason…I enjoy helping others and want to as long as I can. I feel like I too and too ingulfed in my ms at times but mostly in my videos or diaries..we can't help it though because it's always there right? Lol. I was watching some more your videos and it seems like you have had a long journey. I'm still working on getting insurance back so I can start the treatment all I have had is steroids for those emergencies. this is only the beginning huh?
    ***Maria*** by the way how old are you ( if you don't mind me asking) and how long have you known you had MS?

  18. Matt Allen G says:

    I am 22 and was diagnosed 2 years ago on the 5th, you? And yeah, I miss being busy, I miss working 50 hour graveyard shifts, pft, just the beginning lol…..

    What profession are you in?

  19. Anonymous says:

    ..haha..I figured out your age when I opened the window. I am a case manager for individuals on probation. I was just diagnosed 2 months ago but I knew for 6 months..and was lost and confused a year before that..lol. I'm in my thirty's now and just struggling with the fact that I just graduated 2 years ago and my careers taking off but I don't know what the future holds. right now because I never feel 100 percent, I yearn for those days when I had too much energy to know what to do with. I feel like I'm walking on this earth watching everybody else bounce around the moon so easily because I feel so heavy..lol.

  20. Anonymous says:

    Nice to see you busy with the blog & responses Matt. Thats your job now, something to feel proud of, and guess what, you have a purpose here with ur friends! You better be smiling now lol. Went to see a wonderful MS doc in Worcester MA yesterday. everyone in the waiting rm agreed shes good! We all chatted in our MS language, it felt good. She did a ton of tests & looked over my MRI's (all 7 of em) etc… She tells me cant confirm, or deny i have MS. So it's still a waiting game in Hells limbo. She says shes not gonna give me MS meds yet (THANK GAWD). said the first 5 years of MS are the worse (ive had it since 06), but the last 2 years have been the worst, so… I dont get her saying that, cuz MS is a progressive disease. better days… sleekcartim

  21. Matt Allen G says:

    Hahaha, yeah, my job, true but I don't want my life to revolve around MS you know? Glad you maybe found a good doc for you? Yes? I am still looking haha…

  22. Anonymous says:

    Hey matt if it's fulfilling to blog about MS AND help others along the way, then go with it (at least for now). It's better than depression whispering in ur ear that you have no life & are worthless. Ive been dealing with Depression since i was a kid also 🙁 ive learned that having a cool perspective helps a lot, understand? hope you do, cuz you need to get that for your mental health. P.S. I found several ppl on youtube who have the itchies, it is a symptom

    1 LIFE
    sleekcartim

  23. Matt Allen G says:

    Yeah, I work really hard on the "cool perspective" but every once in a while you can't help but glance off the wrong way. But thank you!

    Oh yeah, the itchies suck! ARG!

  24. Anonymous says:

    knowing what depression MAKES you feel is def part of the battle against it! here's to cool perspective & better days matt & everyone else!

    MS BS

    sleekcartim

  25. Matt Allen G says:

    Thanks haha, I think I will get this under control soon, just need to stay well enough to get into school and stay in school…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *