Well, I am finally back! There is so much to say, so much I want to say, so much I should say, but no way to say it all in one simple post. Looking back I was obviously really frustrated right before I decided to take my little break. I guess the reality of my situation is finally sinking in, I’m starting to feel like I’m not going to get better, whatever better is. I still am frustrated but I guess I can say I am getting a hold of it. Maybe… Still not doing as well as I wish I was mentally or physically but it is what it is.
Let’s see, last I remember the biggest thing I had to talk about was the fact that I was moving. So I guess I will briefly start there, I think the packing went relatively well, really quick! It seems that the stress of the situation sent me over the edge as far as my health was concerned. I relapsed and of course ended up back in the hospital for a few days. I’m not happy with the amount of time I have been spending at that place this year, I’m not happy with the fact that a lot of the staff in the hospital remembers me, I’m not happy that I remember most of the food selections on the menu.
I got out of the hospital the other day and I am now in my new house, my new room, my new neighborhood. It is nice, it feels much more fitting, lots more space, and I am relatively isolated in the house so I can have my own space, I can breathe, etc. etc. It has been a very slow set up here because I just can’t do what I used to do, it is very depressing. No longer is installing a new door knob a simple task but one that requires much preparation. Yes I can still do it, no I could not have done it just four months ago, yes I should be happy that I have what I have, but it is still frustrating because 90% of the things that I used to be able to do without much thought requires my undivided attention now. Even using this voice recognition software is difficult with my new slurred speech. I love it. Not.
So what am I to do? I do not know? I am so lost and so overwhelmed with my health. I just want this to be over but it will never be over. I feel like I should have a lot to say but I just don’t, I feel like a child with a box of Legos but no directions, not even a picture to go off of. What the hell do I do?
I literally have to rebuild myself from the ground up now, I thought I did before but it now is so much more real. Mentally I am a wreck, I am falling apart more and more everyday. This is also affecting me emotionally, I just want to give up, but giving up is literally not an option when dealing with multiple sclerosis. You just start getting worse and you have to fight your way back up that much more, so I can’t even give up and get a break for a while, it just kicks me in the butt if I stop fighting for a split second.
Anyways, I do not want to vent today so let me just say this, I’m getting Social Security now, I am in a new house, and a new neighborhood. I have lots of options to choose from right now, I just have to do it, choose and act. I don’t know how I will to accomplish what I want to accomplish but I do know that I’m sick of this, I just want to walk again, run, hike. I just want to be able to see again so that I can drive once more. Having my brain back would be nice to but unfortunately right now I’m still stuck in a cognitive wonderland.
I don’t know where to start as far as my recovery is concerned but I suppose I just have to attack one thing at a time and see where life takes me. I know nothing comes overnight but man this is so hard when you cannot see any positive progress. I am pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before but all I want to do is collapse into tears but I am all out, I can cry no more, so it’s on to the next thing, whatever that is…
I am slowly going to try to get this blog running again but bare with me, it might take some time… I am more messed up than I know how to explain all right now…