I just… I don’t know…

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I don’t usually post more than once in a day but I guess I just have a lot on my mind. I was going to try to get by just posting about my symptoms today but I realize now that THAT is not going to suffice. You want to really know how I am doing? Well, let’s put it this way, sometimes symptoms are the least of my worries. Sometimes neuropathic pain is lost among the shadows of my other pains in life.

So, I was feeling a bit of cabin fever coming over me as I have been stuck in my bedroom for far too long. I like to get out, sometimes I would just drive around listening to music, snapping pictures, and thinking, but now I can not do that. Every time I think I am moving closer to getting that back I take a step backwards. That is depressing in and of itself. Anyways, I just came down to the new house with my mom who is doing some painting, I just needed a change of scenery, I needed to get out.

This is the first time in a long time I have been in a “normal setting”… I am not sure how to explain it… This house has no memories of my past or my suffering. It’s a blank slate and today I feel somewhat… Out of place. Like a red spot on a white wall. In my room at home, in the hospital, my only contrast is my past and other people with medical issues, white on white, but here I can see myself for what I am. It’s depressing, I want to feel normal again, but I don’t think that will ever be. What is normal anyways? I forget.

I think a fresh start, a clean slate, it’s going to be good for me, health aside, but, I feel so all alone. I am not looking for a pity party, just venting. I have to start all over which again, is good, but I can’t help but look back at all I had before, all that I have lost. My job, my truck, my ability to drive, my ability to go to school, my friends, my hobbies, love… Everything I worked for is gone. I know how this works, I am not seeking advice, this will pass, but it has got me down right now.

There is so much to be optimistic about in actuality but today is just one of those days you know? I can only hope tomorrow will be better but I have way too much time to sit around and think. I wish I could read, perhaps it’s time to acquire some audio books… I need to let my mind escape because it is dwelling on way to much negative and that is making life so much more difficult… The days used to go by so quickly but now time is ticking ever so slowly, I just want this week to pass already but each day feels like two.

This could be blamed on the pain of my MS causing me to ponder about every waking second of my life but I think the real issue here is that I no longer have a real life to escape to. MS has consumed me. I don’t know how to find balance anymore because of course all I can think about is getting better, hard to not think about it all when you can not even function each day! From the moment I wake up till the moment my eyes roll into the back of my head, I feel like I have MS, I feel it. I can’t forget it, not even for just one damn second.

An itch that never goes away.

So today I am depressed and tomorrow I hope to not be. We can’t be invincible all of the time, we all need to just vent about life every once in a while even if we know the answers to our problems. That’s all I am doing, venting… What else can I do when I can no longer shed a single tear for myself? I wish I could but I just can’t…

I hope that my life is about to change because I am just tired of this, exhausted. I want to walk again without this stupid cane, Running would be nice but I at least want to not need a cane. I hate this cane. I want the world to stop spinning and I want my vision back so I can drive. If I could just have that back I would be happy, is that asking too much? I don’t care about anything else, the numbness, the pins and needles, the pain, I can put up with it, I can hide it, just give me those couple of things back.

I don’t want MS to rule 90 percent of my life, I want it to be nothing more than background noise. I just want to feel happy again. I want to feel a sense of purpose, success, success outside of the world of Multiple Sclerosis. I want to feel like I have a normal life for just a little while. I am 22 years old and I want to feel it.

13 Responses to I just… I don’t know…

  1. Anonymous says:

    :/

  2. Anonymous says:

    MATT, UR BREAKING MY HEART MAN, IM SORRY FOR UR SUFFERING. UR RIGHT, WE HAVE A RIGHT TO OUR OCCASIONAL DOWN DAYS. WE ARE UR WITNESS, SO WE CAN BE REMINDED TO SEND POSITIVE VIBES UR WAY. BETTER DAYZ MATT! -SLEEKCARTIM

  3. Matt Allen G says:

    THANK YOU. THINGS WILL BE BETTER IN TIME.

  4. Lisa Emrich says:

    Matt,
    Big hug. I want to ask you something; please email me (link on my blog).
    Lisa

  5. Anonymous says:

    MATT, AT MY MS GROUP MEETING YESTERDAY, SOMEONE REMINDED

    ME ABOUT THE CAN DO PROGRAM http://WWW.MSCANDO.ORG. I HAVE

    NEVER LOOKED INTO IT, BUT SOME OF THE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TO

    THE CONFERENCES AND SAID IT WAS AMAZING. THEY WANTED ME

    PASS IT ALONG TO YOU. (YOU ARE PART OF OUR GROUP, BY THE

    WAY) I TOOK ALONG ONE OF YOUR POSTS AND READ IT TO THE

    GROUP AND THEY UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT YOU. I AM SO SAD

    THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS. PLEASE KNOW, THAT YOU

    ARE NOT ALONE, YOU REALLY AREN'T. POST US AS OFTEN AS

    YOU WANT, AS IT IS SO IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO SAY, WHAT YOU

    ARE FEELING AND THINKING…..GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD,

    YOU KNOW? I KNOW YOU ARE ONLY SHARING AND HAVE NEEDS

    TO EXPRESS TO ALL OF US, THAT….TRULY….UNDERSTAND YOU.

  6. Matt Allen G says:

    Thank you, and yes, I remember you mentioning that before haha, too bad I can not attend for real!

  7. Anonymous says:

    Matt,

    I am not going to apologize for what I'm about to talk about. I am sharing with you the very best thing I have ever known or ever will know. I am sharing with you my best friend, Jesus Christ. Jesus will give purpose to your life. Jesus LOVES you — he asks you to know him. Don't you feel that; don't you know that. Seek Jesus in the pages of the New Testament. But most of all, if you would just bow your head and ask him to come and live in you and be in charge of your life, to forgive you of your sins (which we all have, Matt), you would be forever blessed.

    Don't begrudge me the chance to speak of this. To have this knowledge and not share it with you, would be a sin I could not live with.

    Love you!

  8. Anonymous says:

    JUST SITTING AT HOME, WATCHING THE "HULK" ON TV. EVEN "HE" HAS PROBLEMS, THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS! LOL

    JUST TO TELL YOU, I'M THINKING OF YOU.

    MARY-ELLEN

  9. Matt Allen G says:

    LOL THE HULK MAY NOT BE A GOOD COMPARISON HAHA…. BUT I GET YOU, SO THANK YOU LOL

  10. MS Cherokee says:

    {HUGS} MATT. YOU ARE SO RIGHT, WE CANNOT BE INVINCIBLE ALL OF THE TIME. IF I KEEP ALL MY FEELINGS SILENCED, BOTH GOOD AND BAD, IT NEGATIVELY AFFECTS MY MS. VENT AWAY! "AN ITCH THAT NEVER GOES AWAY" IS A VERY ACCURATE DESCRIPTION. I'VE ALSO CALLED IT THE HEMORRHOID THAT IS MS. I HOPE THAT TOMORROW IS A BETTER DAY FOR YOU.

  11. Matt Allen G says:

    Thanks, I am feeling better, I will try to blog today

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