I am So Tired of All This

Stress.

Stress is a part of life I know, but, for an MS patient…
Things are different. People do not get that.
Stress = Pain, Stress = Debilitation.
I am tired of it. I can fight through it most the time but the current has finally taken over,
robbed me of all my strength.

My hands hurt so bad, my leg hurts and is growing stiff.  It burns.
The pain is everywhere actually, it comes an goes, and I almost don’t notice it anymore.
My wrist, my shoulder, my forearm, my chest, my stomach, my side, everything.

I am so dizzy.
T h e  w o r l d  j u s t  w o n ‘ t  s t o p  s p i n n i n g.

Yeah, I LOOK fine but if you only knew what I was feeling
I try to hide it most the time but I can’t do it right now.

The current is drowning me.

I hate this disease more than my words could ever portray.
I am tired of hurting physically and emotionally.
The emotional pain is the worst.
People do not get it and I am tired of it.
Tired of feeling like a burden or like no one believes me.
No one realizes what I am going through.

I feel defeated. What am I fighting for?

Up and 
            down, up and 
                                  down. 
Happy-sad, happy-mad.
I can’t handle the emotional roller coaster anymore.

I just want it to be over,
I want to be alone
and hear nothing.
I want to be done with pain inside and out.
I want to feel nothing because this hurts.
I am not Superman.


Give me my life back!

11 Responses to I am So Tired of All This

  1. Nick says:

    Matt, I stumbled across you and your page tonight for the first time. I'm sorry to hear about your daily suffering. I know what that feels like. I have been dealing with weird and painful symptoms for about 5 years now. It started when I was our performing onboard a ship in Hawaii. Long story short, I have been almost diagnosed with Crohns, IBS, all kinds of abdominal pain. But I also get neurological symptoms including prickly skin, tingling. I also have this sensation like I have severe eye strain if I look at the computer for too long or read a book and then look up or out, I feel dizzy in a non vertigo way and disoriented.

    I had an MRI of my brain a couple years back and they did not see anything. I sometimes wonder if I could potentially have MS as whatever I have comes in the form of attacks that can last up to a month or longer and then… it goes away as if nothing has just happened.

    I did want to share with you that I have been getting acupuncture for about 6 months now and it is helping me a lot. In my experience, there is a lot of natural practitioners who are all about making money and its hard to weed through stuff without going broke. But acupuncture when committed to weekly, helps me a lot. I also make sure I eat fish/salmon daily and the Omega 3 seem to help with inflammation much better than taking a supplement. I am finally insured through the new health care law, PCIP plan. If you don't know about it, check out: http://www.healthcare.gov. However, I'm very concerned what will happen when the supreme court decision comes out this month possibly overturning it. Anyway, I hope you start to feel better. I know what its like to hurt inside and look completely healthy on the outside. Its a sort of twisted prison. Give acupuncture a try if you haven't. Also, consider a visit to the Mayo Clinic in which the doctors work as a comprehensive team and everyone is on salary.

    Nick

  2. Anonymous says:

    G'day Matt – You know, I think there's a lot of people who realize what you're going through. Many people (me included) have had or are suffering from an illness with many hurting symptoms, some being disbelieved, some missdiagnosed and given the wrong treatment.
    Of course pain gets anyone down but be strong. I wonder how long you've been taking all your medications. Do you think they are working? – it doesn't seem as though they are.
    Maybe it's time to give my suggestion a try. Can't hurt.

    Best Wishes
    Elaine

  3. Matt Allen G says:

    Nick – How long have you been dealing with it all? What does the acupuncture hel YOU with because I have always thought about it.

    Elaine – Been trying a few different things for last 2 years, no luck yet

  4. Anonymous says:

    Matt – HBOT – Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy – has been used for many different illnesses and conditions including MS. My research has found many illnesses and conditions lack oxygen to the cells, tissues, organs, nerves etc. and the treatment I'm on about, is breathing in extra oxygen 24/7 without any machines.
    Elaine.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Smoke weed. I'm serious…

  6. Matt Allen G says:

    I have already asked for that but my neuro said no and haha getting close to asking for weed haha..

  7. Nick says:

    Matt, acupuncture helps me significantly with neuro symptoms, pins and needles and stomach pain. I'm also on TCM herbal medicine. I starting feeling better after about 4/5 sessions and then it builds. I pay about $75 a week. It's important to find a good licensed TCM practitioner!

  8. Renee :) says:

    I matty,
    I just wish you and I could escape just for a couple of days… oh wait we are!!! 2 more months matty! I iwsh we could be closer and do this together! I hate this too… Cried all night… at one point left and began to drive aimlessly. Then I realized I am on ALOT of med and I should probably park. I wish we could fight this better. I am going to do something soon. Might open some eyes! Love you!
    Renee

  9. Matt Allen G says:

    I def want to try acupuncture, I think I am finally at that point where it's needed because I am just… tired of this,,, And now I have some extra money to put towards trying o0utside the box kind of things.

  10. Anonymous says:

    You got this Matthew!! Stay Strong!! πŸ™‚

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