I am Loosing Control – Frustration and Anger

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Usually I can control it but I have lost it. I am snapping at every tiny thing… My poor heart is going to fail from the stress.

I look like a stereotypical drunkard when I walk. I am crashing into things, bumping into walls. falling, etc. I can’t see, the world is spinning, balance? What is that?? I am falling apart.

I am braking everything. It’s a combination of my strength not being in sync with my coordination and… Well my coordination itself. I broke my laptop screen, my noise canceling headphones, my USB audio adapter so I can USE those headphones, etc, etc. Last night I lost it and threw my phone across the room. Luckily it all pieced back together. Go figure. When I WANT to brake something it won’t brake but when I don’t it crumbles in my hands.

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I can’t type. Keep hitting wrong keys.

I have no form of stress relief, everything makes me worse. Even in my sleep I stress in my dreams. What the hell does that say? I am disabled even in my dreams… There is no escape.

I need a couple days away in a hotel where I can enjoy the silence. Here from the moment I wake up till I go to bed there is always noise, doors opening and shutting all through the night… I broke my best means of getting through the noise which I am extra sensitive to.


Hold on… Writing used to be a stress reliever for me but now I am stressing out because I am spending more time fixing stupid mistakes than I am writing. Need a second to breathe.

I don’t know what to do, I can not control anything about me anymore, my legs, my hands, my emotions, NOTHING.

Doctor only wants me on Copaxone, won’t give me any short term relief when I KNOW from my past experience that steroids would have me back on my feet and using my hands. Doctor knows best right??? She might be right about that 6 month deadline because she is causing me permanent damage, SHE IS.

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I don’t know what to do. If I want to fix my health I have to do it without the damn neuro because all they care about is making money off me. No forget the cheap steroids, take the $4,300 injections that are probably worse for me than nothing at all! I have so much research I need to do but I can’t handle this stress.

I was popping pills. There, I said it, Norcos were my escape. Being high on prescription medication is what got me through the last couple of weeks. I was being weak, those pills, they are a killer, so now I am not touching them but I don’t know how to deal with life anymore. I have lost my cool.

I just want to walk better and not feel dizzy every minute of my life, am I asking for too much?

19 Responses to I am Loosing Control – Frustration and Anger

  1. renee says:

    I wish I could do something! I freaking adore you so I hope you get some relief soon! Second opinion for a different neuro? call the MS Society

  2. amber d* says:

    I've been trying to think of something helpful to say, but there really are no words. This sucks you have to go through this. It sucks anyone has to. I would suggest trying to maybe find a new neuro and get a second opinion on options you could be doing. I'm not for sure what all injections they've had you on or if anything else, but my dad was put on Betaseron about 12+ years ago and it's worked well for his MS. The first time he took it he had horrible flu symptoms but it only lasted that day and it never bothered him again.

  3. Matt Allen G says:

    There are no other neuros in my network that will see an MS patient so I need a new network. She put be back on Copaxone which I was on for a year and it didn't do anything. She wouldn't even humor anything else but i was not coherent at the time, just did what I was told.

  4. linda barry mac manus says:

    Give your Doctor a call Matt.. and tell how it is hun.. maybe they will help with councelling and something to chill you out a little .. lots of love my friend xxxx

  5. Matt Allen G says:

    Haha oh man… The doctors…. Will see what happens…. THANKS haha….

  6. Anonymous says:

    I'm so sorry you are dealing with the severe symptoms that MS can create. My heart goes out to you because it's like you've been thrown into the middle of the ocean and you can't see anyone on their way to help you.

    It's so terrible what you are experiencing and if there is anything I can research for you, please let me know.

    I don't know how often you contact your neuro, but I would hope you are in constant contact with her, so she can be totally aware of your minutes, hours or days trying to deal with the MS. Sometimes, we don't bother calling our doctors because we feel helpless and hopeless….in thinking "what can they do for me anyway".

    You or your family has to make the medical community, in your corner of the world, know exactly what you are going through and not let up. Maybe, someone will really "hear" what you are going through and offer you some meds or ideas to help you cope.

    A few years ago, I went through 3 weeks of constant dizziness and could not move my head at all in fear of the dizziness. I had been fairly dizzy for a few months previous and the Dr. prescribed Sertec for me and I found that it helped quite a bit.

    I wish there were words to express how much I wish someone could help you.

    You have every reason to be angry, scared and frustrated with your circumstance.

    I will pray that your immune system settles down soon, so healing can begin.

  7. Matt Allen G says:

    it's like you've been thrown into the middle of the ocean and you can't see anyone on their way to help you.

    ITS FUNNY cuz that has happened to me lol so I understand the symbolism and the real thing.

    I should be calling mu neoro everyday is only to piss her off at the least haha…..

  8. Anonymous says:

    I'm sad to read this update but hopefully we can all help put you back together again Matt. I agree you need to be getting back onto the stupid witch neuro bitch..getting paid the shed load of dollars, and let her know just how bad things are right now. I know it probably feels pointless but if you pester enough, she'll have to sit up, stop drinking her coffee and take notice! I'm bad at following my own advice, but I feel strongly you need a lot more help than you're getting at present. Remember and take that phone in to the appt with you too haha! X

  9. Matt Allen G says:

    "If you pester enough, she'll have to sit up, stop drinking her coffee and take notice"

    I LIKE THAT, I have to find a way to use it in the future lol,

  10. sleekcartim says:

    Ok Matt you need to see a shrink to help you with your coping skills & possibly get on meds. pretty sure insurance will cover it. It's time. I agree with getting your parents more involved in your care. You say they are, but sounds like you may not be with it enough at times to make decisions, THATS NOT GOOD. make sure they (or someone) are just as educated as you & go with with you in all docs visits to give input etc… i use a radio turned off station to produce white noise to drown out noise when sleeping. i also use 'dream water' which i get at walmart, cvs etc… when i need to sleep better. it works well. works very like a sleeping pill but safe enough to take nightly. positive vibes for you buddy!

  11. Matt Allen G says:

    I am on meds but have been off for a week or so cuz my new doc is dragging her feet with my refill and I am working on getting in with a psych

  12. Bacon Bits says:

    Hi Matt
    I'm sorry you are going through all this. Sounds to me (just my 30 yr medical opinion & 10 yr with MS opinion) that the major battle right now is withdrawal and anxiety from withdrawal. Those meds (the N that you stopped cold turkey and the C – (which is really Klonopin a Benzo banned in the UK because it is the most addictive of the family of benzos)and the cold turkey are really spinning your world out of control right now. Best thing to do would be to go talk with your parents and get them totally involved. Getting withdrawal assistance (maybe even going back on the N and tapering which is safer) may be an option but that decision should be a doctors so its safe. I at this point am even suggesting heading to the ER where they could evaluate and suggest longer term assistance. They have to see/treat you even if you have no ability to pay. Its the law. They may be able to give you something (like an anti seizure med) to calm your brain down a bit so you can relax and taper off the meds safely, both the N and the C. Then possibly going to a long term anti anxiety med to lesson the stress and then tackle the MS head on with a clearer head.
    I dont think you should be going through this alone or making decisions on your own right now. The whole situation has spiraled and I think the safe bet would be to get others to care for you right now so you can take that break you need, regroup, rest and come back stronger for the long haul. I dont think its a good idea to "head to a hotel" to do any of this on your own. Please dont do that. Ask for help from the ones that love you. We all need help sometimes and its ok.
    My best to you and if I can help in anyway, please let me know. We are all pulling for you!! Beth

  13. Matt Allen G says:

    I am taking clonazepam to calm my nerves, its helping. The only thing I KNOW is messing me up is stopping the citalopram, that one messes me up. Norcos cause me physical effects but not psych effects as I have learned so I need my citalopram and then just gotta manage the Clonazepam. If I can take a couple days off to relax, think, read, and write I'll be back on track.

  14. Matt Allen G says:

    Benzos hardy effect me BTW

  15. aasho says:

    nice blog nice article

    Funny SMS

  16. Anonymous says:

    MS Specialist — even if you have to be drived halfway across the country to see one. MS SPECIALIST! You break my heart, Matt.

  17. Matt Allen G says:

    Thats the irony, I am seeing one… I am going to try to get into HOAG'S MS Specialty Building……

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