Control Part II

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I fell today but luckily my neck broke my fall haha…

Today has been one hell of a day so let me continue with the writing… Where did I leave off? Oh yeah… The popping of the pills, Norco, like Vicodin but stronger, less Tylenol and more Codeine.

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I am not proud of it just being honest. We can all brake, we all bleed. Sometimes I feel like so many look up to me and I don’t understand why. I am more flawed than most, as you can see, I am just a man. I have no magic cure for MS, I fall, I have physical pain, I am an emotional wreck, and yet, people still look up to me.


Why?

Right now I am a total mess inside and out but I do understand that I have a responsibility in life and I am not fulfilling that responsibility 120%… What am I to do? I don’t know but because I know I can do more it becomes an obligation to at least myself so I will do more. I have to.

I was serious about needing a minute to breathe, I have raised $140 towards my little get away. I will use this time to detox, ditch some stress, think about my life and purpose, read, write, etc.

I can’t thank my awesome MS Friends enough for understanding and contributing. I want to reach $200 to be safe and I would like to see that Dr. in Palm Springs about a lower dose of LDN because I would still like to give it a shot but the 4.5mg I had just expired…

You can donate on the right of my blog or by purchasing a T-shirt in my store up top but I only have one left! Size SMALL!!!!

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Anyways. I have so much to think about but I need a brake for sure, so when ever I leave I’ll let everyone know I am taking off for a few days because I will not be responding to emails and messages.

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So I hope tonight is not as stressful, I have been taking Clonazepam to help with my nervous brake down, it seems to be helping a bit. No more Norcos for me. I took 1mg of Clonazepam and started my vitamins back up today. I really need my Citalopram refilled because that one really messes me up when I go cold turkey… I’ll bug my neuro tomorrow, this is ridiculous.

I think what I need to realize is that my life is not over and it is not all about MS. I’ll try to take some photos while I am out but it’s not the same since I lost a good amount of my hands and vision… I’ll try.

I do want to figure out how I can expand my MS community and get people more involved with each other, so that is something I will look into for sure. What is missing that I can provide? There has to be something. How will I ever sustain a career when this is my main concern in life now?

I know I need to write that book and maybe start sharing my recent hospital visit here on my blog? Maybe I’ll start writing that on my mini brake haha. I have so much on my mind…

Breathe, breathe, breathe is what I must do.

Thank you all for your help!

10 Responses to Control Part II

  1. Anonymous says:

    I second the comments on your other post — THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME FOR YOU TO GO OFF BY YOURSELF — You are not thinking clearly!

  2. Matt Allen G says:

    How am I "going off on my own?"

  3. Anonymous says:

    Guess I misunderstood, but alone would not be good. Frightened for you — last post was scary. I care about you — don't mean to lecture. I just feel very deeply for you right now. Just be careful!

  4. Matt Allen G says:

    I am not completely alone, I am smart, I'm careful, I know my limits, no worries!

  5. sleekcartim says:

    I really hope you follow beths advice. PLEASE dont get hooked on pain meds PLEASE! It's such a dead end, is only a short term fix! adding an addiction to your MS hell is like putting fire out with gas. …trust me, you dont know pain… throw them out now.

  6. Matt Allen G says:

    im not hooked, it was just a habit, I dont have what it takes to become addicted so don't worry.

  7. daisy says:

    Omg Matt! I read a few posts and I just don't know what to say except hang in there!

  8. sleekcartim says:

    Im scared for you matt, your weak right now & it's insanely easy to get addicted to those. Ive seen it so many times i cant count. I cant even imagine how bad off YOU will be. there are other MUCH better ways to deal with pain, depression, stress etc… homeopathic stuff prolly will help, it helps me, for many years.

  9. sleekcartim says:

    We care about you matt, cuz we see ourselves in your hell, & it's no joke scary to know we will all be there someday (again?). It's very challenging having MS. We have to know where our assets & allys are to be able to carry on strong, or at least put a brave face. You are that for me & others. seeing you struggle so much rocks our confidence, feel helpless, so we get involved / invested cuz u are we & we r u.

  10. Matt Allen G says:

    Sorry for late reply, have not been 100% obviously. I am off everything, cold turkey, yaaaaaay, but thank you guys, I had a moment but I am OK…..

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