It’s really frustrating right now because everything is so sensitive. I see some improvement and then something causes me to back track. Unfortunately my motor skills are suffering the most right now and I hate that because at least with pins and needles or numbness you can still function OK but when your hands go out it’s hard to take care of business! When your legs grow weak it’s hard to hide the fact that your ill! Of course I can’t help thinking about my desire to have money again, a job, to attack school full blast, etc so these back tracks are extra frustrating because not only am I taking a step away from good health but I am taking a step away from my goals in life and then the stress from that causes my health to take another step back and so the vicious circle begins.
The Prednisone is helping but not immensely… As I mentioned above, my hands are suffering the most. The coordination in my fingers is rather lacking and sometimes they tremor but mostly they feel stiff and slow. I have learned to type decently with them like this, in fact, I am starting to forget what it was like to type smoothly and brake free at all which is good for my sanity but probably bad for other things…
Playing piano is not so much fun either, it feels so technical now instead of feeling like a feeling. I can’t time the notes properly anymore and I can’t just think about the sound I want to produce and produce it. I really hope this get’s better because I am starting to worry that it might not and I will be overcome with regret if I loose the function in my hands because I had so much artistic potential that I never fully used.
I am starting to think about more aggressive Multiple Sclerosis treatments… Would it be a good idea to at least try Tysabri for a year to buy me some more time? So that I could have a year to work my butt off, save money, finish as much school as possible, etc? Because I just don’t know how I am ever going to move forward at this rate because it’s been over a year and I am in no better position now then I was to begin with except that I have more knowledge. If I could use a year to start setting up my life it might not be as hard to finish setting up my life and get me to the point where I have a decent job that I can use to get me disability when I need it. Who knows… I am eager to see some new doctors and see what they think and how they think they should treat me because I am desperate for some change.