When I first started this blog I wanted to spread positivity and help people connect. Some would say I have done that. I have brought almost 270 MS’er together in my Facebook support group alone and have received numerous emails from people who found my Youtube videos helpful despite the fact that I think they could be done so much better. I had a message and that message helped many but now I am finding that I am lost. I no longer have a clue as to what I believe in. I am loosing faith in people, I have become a morbidly pessimistic person, and I don’t like it. Worst of all, I don’t know what to do.
I feel as though my life is consuming me and MS is helping it out. I have been struggling in a pit of quicksand for the last few years and I feel as though I have lost all the strength I had to pull myself out. The sand is at my shoulders, my neck, my chin, and now I’m struggling to keep my lips above the surface. How can I help others when I can no longer help myself? I empathize with that picture of the crying clown; his job is to make people happy despite the fact that he is filled with sorrow. Sorrow that sometimes makeup, the strongest persona, can not hide.
“It will get better, it will get better”. I hear it all the time but what no one can tell me is how. Certainly not by sitting around and waiting but I can’t get a job, I can’t get disability, I can’t get any kind of help out of this sand pit. Without some kind of yank or push, how am I supposed to free an arm to pull myself all the way out? I am stuck and out of ideas and there is no one out there to walk me though this, tell me how I should approach my situation. I am typically a good problem solver but this one has me stumped and the daily stress that I endure only further clouds my thoughts and ability to figure this out. I feel suffocated by it all, I’m so frustrated!
I think this is the source of my pessimism which I try so hard to hide. Nothing seems to work out for me while I watch everyone around me get the world handed to them. I think I blame myself for the position I am in. Maybe had I not quit my job at CVS I would still have a truck, a job, income, friends, everything. I could go on disability when I am ill but when I am well I could go back to work rather then sit around bored and useless all day. But it’s pointless to fantasize of such things, the past is the past, but deep down inside, I can’t help but wonder how things would be different.
I have dreams, I have plans, but I am not sure how to move towards them. I have lost all my motivation… Having little to no options does that sometimes. You feel like every which way you go ends in a dead end. It’s frustrating and eventually you just want to drop to your knees, cry, and give up because nobody understands 100% of what you are feeling. They can relate but no one can no just what I went through because they are not me with my various tolerance levels, they did not go through the exact career choices as me, did not have the same relationship and friendship issues as me, maybe similar, but not exactly the same. Just as MS effects everyone differently so does life. As hopeless as I can get however, I still know that logically speaking is a waste of time. Emotions and logical speaking never agree but they help keep each other in check. I know the logical answers to all that I am talking about (except how to actually get out of this mess) but what I am sharing with you now is the emotional side to my situation because the emotional side is growing so rich with power that it is overthrowing my reasoning capabilities making me depressed and pessimistic.
I have relapse 3 times this month. Today I have resumed my daily pills and have also added Gabapentin into the mix because the pain seems to be a new symptom that will be staying around. I am not sure Gabapentin will help much but I figured I would give it a try. I need to get serious about my eating and exercising, I say eating instead of dieting because I am noticing that I am not eating as much anymore do to depression and stress. I need to take my life back. I am not sure how but I need to start doing something to at least be healthy and ready to move on to the next step. I am working on a new photography blog. I think I have mentioned it in the past but I never really did anyything with it. I started working on it the other day again so that I could have something to work on that has nothing to do with health and work. I needed a hobbyy and right now this is what I can do.
Visit my new photo blog by following the link below:
Be sure to click the “join this site button” to make me happy even if you are not going to follow it, It won’t send you email alerts or anything no worries, just nice to see some kind of following.
I’ll write about how I am doing tomorrow.