I Am Having a Rough Time

Well, I know I have not been on top of the updates lately, with the way things have been I should be posting everyday. I just… I am having a rough time. I know there is always, ALWAYS, someone out there who is in a worse situation then I am but that doesn’t make my situation hurt any less. I can only compare the pain that I feel to the pain that I have felt. I am so stressed out right now, I have been stressed for a while but I can’t handle it anymore and I just don’t know what to do. It’s not just because of the MS, it’s just life in general. What I am most frustrated about is that I can’t get a job, I can’t afford a car, I can’t go to school next semester, I can’t move forward. My life is wasting away here in this bedroom. I am loosing my mind. I don’t know what to do.

All I want is the chance to work for what I want. I am not asking to win the lottery or anything like that, I am asking for a part time job. I am asking for the opportunity to work for the ability to put money aside, pay my own bills, buy a car, get coffee once a week or go out with a friend. I had it so good before I quit my job at CVS. Sure our store was falling apart after CVS took over (we were actually Longs Drugstore at first but then the evil corporate monster known as CVS took over) but man I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to just suck it up. Since I can’t do that I just wish I could find a new job because I can’t stand this anymore…  I don’t know how to relieve and avoid the things that stress me out. I want so desperately to just move into a small house up in the mountain and spend some time alone and letting nature help heal me.

I need to figure something out. I have been saying that for a while now and just keep hitting dead end after dead end which is frustrating because I know I should be able to figure this out, fix this. But now more than ever I need to come up with a solution because it’s effecting my health. I am having flareups on a weekly basis because my stress levels are just overloading. Things that shouldn’t be stressing me out are causing me to loose it because when your constantly at 100% stress capacity then those tiny things do a lot more damage.

I wish I could write more but I just don’t have it in me right now. Maybe later Ill be able to organize my thoughts better.

16 Responses to I Am Having a Rough Time

  1. Anonymous says:

    Matt, I have written a couple of times and have always kept them anon for no other reason than I am in denial(strange comment I know). I know stuff is crap for you at the moment but I, and others, read your blog regularly. Things that happen are beyond your control – we all know that. You are a top man and your positive attitude will see you good in the end. Keep strong and keep your website going – things WILL work out for you dude. Always the strongest survive and you are strong. All the best mate. Sam.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Use to do tons of aeobics and loved working out with weights, now i want a wheelchair cause i have a dead leg after 3 attacks of it going dead getting better, going dead again, now i just tingle everywhere non stop dam i hate it, use to be out all the time, now i'm in mostly in, your right there are people worse then us, how do they deal with it, i learnt to accept i can't work and i can't do anything that i use to do before, STAY AWAY FROM STRESS, you have to it just makes it worse and if your on a needle like i am don't stop taking it, thats what happened to me, i stopped then i had my worst attack ever now i'm back on betaseron, my really big attck i blame on stress, you need to stop unless you want to get worse. I feel like crap cause of MS but i'm happy cause i still have what i have, your still lucky your hands work believe me i lived it. i have to send this anonymos because i don't know what to do to send it with my name but i'm Colleen in twitter, Take care and stop the stress

  3. Matt Allen G says:

    Sam – Don't live in denial! And thanks,

    Colleen – I can' get away from the stressfull situation I am in, there is nothing I can do about that. I can't except that I can't work because when I am "well" I know I CAN work and no doctor will put me on disability because when ever I see them its the same thing:

    "You look ok enough to work"

    and then 2 days later I am flaring up. I never seem to flair up when I have to actually SEE the doctor so I think that THEY think I am full of crap. And yes, I am trying to make the best of my hands, I hate loosing them when I do.

  4. Anonymous says:

    To Anon (after me) sorry dude that you're symptoms are like this – my symptoms are crap (itchy burning feet and tinnitus in both ears with numb hands whilst sleeping & no bladder control). Sorry dude I feel bad for you. Why can't they (medical prof.) sort this out?! Bloody nightmare!!

  5. J. says:

    Sorry things are tough just now Matt.

    Thinking of you<3

    Jax x

  6. Anonymous says:

    My doctors kept telling me i was fine till they saw i couldn't do it anymore, i use to volunteer and when i'd tell them i didn't feel good enough to do anything i felt like they thought i was complaining cause they use to tell me that, but my legs wouldn't move so what good would i be.I wish i could help with your stress and help make you feel alot better.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Matt, I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time right now. I wish I had a solution for you. I feel your frustration. I have said that exact same thing in the past – I just want to escape to a cabin up in the mountains away from everyone and everything and just enjoy the peace and quiet. {Hugs}

  8. Matt Allen G says:

    Sad how even doctors believe only what they see…

    And yeah, what I would give for even just one months of that to recover and catch up!

  9. Willowtree says:

    Do you ever just want to ask those drs if theyd give you a job? I mean since they think your'e (we're) able to work and all. They mustnt mind hiring someone like me – if theyre telling me Im ok to work.
    I promise they'd be singing a different tune. *hugs*
    Thanks for letting up know how you are. Thanks for hanging in there.

  10. Matt Allen G says:

    Hmm thats not a bad idea.. I think Ill use that next time haha!

  11. Anonymous says:

    Matt,
    I am a 30+ year old father,husband. Diagnosed this year I've been dealing with undiagnosed symptoms for 7-10 years. I have been on copaxone since May. Both hands and legs have been affected as well as have bladder/bowels at times. I feel goofy for even asking you this but have you seriously explored nutrition as a path to healing? Before I go on endlessly about some things that I have learned since diagnosis, I want to make sure I am not spouting things you have already heard/tried?

  12. Matt Allen G says:

    Yes, I have been looking into it for months trying to find out whats god for me. Though I don't have a concrete diet I have some do's, and do not's, along with some seldom's. I do have to say, when I can add things like that "Naked" brand juice to my daily diet I feel much better but it's so expensive!

  13. Anonymous says:

    Wow,man. I have learned some things recently. Just like noone's MS symtpoms are the same so can be true about personal nutrition and MS or more generally speaking the inflammatory process and it's role in healing. I have been on a new diet for about a month and I am seeing some unbelievable results already. Let me know if you are interested and I will continue. I will check back here shortly. Whatever happens try to chill. I have learned defintively that MS loves it when people freak out. Meditate, if you pray, then do so for calmness. I decieded against my better judgement and past experiences to search youtube for MS related content this afternoon, which is how we are now having this dicussion.

  14. Matt Allen G says:

    Youtube, as much as I hate to admit it, CAN* be a good source of information haha. Anyways yeah, why don't you email me about the dieting? mattalleng@yahoo.com Thanks!

  15. Anonymous says:

    Will do.

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