Well, I know I have not been on top of the updates lately, with the way things have been I should be posting everyday. I just… I am having a rough time. I know there is always, ALWAYS, someone out there who is in a worse situation then I am but that doesn’t make my situation hurt any less. I can only compare the pain that I feel to the pain that I have felt. I am so stressed out right now, I have been stressed for a while but I can’t handle it anymore and I just don’t know what to do. It’s not just because of the MS, it’s just life in general. What I am most frustrated about is that I can’t get a job, I can’t afford a car, I can’t go to school next semester, I can’t move forward. My life is wasting away here in this bedroom. I am loosing my mind. I don’t know what to do.
All I want is the chance to work for what I want. I am not asking to win the lottery or anything like that, I am asking for a part time job. I am asking for the opportunity to work for the ability to put money aside, pay my own bills, buy a car, get coffee once a week or go out with a friend. I had it so good before I quit my job at CVS. Sure our store was falling apart after CVS took over (we were actually Longs Drugstore at first but then the evil corporate monster known as CVS took over) but man I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to just suck it up. Since I can’t do that I just wish I could find a new job because I can’t stand this anymore… I don’t know how to relieve and avoid the things that stress me out. I want so desperately to just move into a small house up in the mountain and spend some time alone and letting nature help heal me.
I need to figure something out. I have been saying that for a while now and just keep hitting dead end after dead end which is frustrating because I know I should be able to figure this out, fix this. But now more than ever I need to come up with a solution because it’s effecting my health. I am having flareups on a weekly basis because my stress levels are just overloading. Things that shouldn’t be stressing me out are causing me to loose it because when your constantly at 100% stress capacity then those tiny things do a lot more damage.
I wish I could write more but I just don’t have it in me right now. Maybe later Ill be able to organize my thoughts better.