Well I cannot deny it now, I am having a flair up. Not the worst I have had but it certainly sucks. First of all, I did not wake up until about noon today… I do hate that I’ve been sleeping in later and later lately but I do have to admit I have not been feeling as crappy when I wake up. Luckily I do not have too much of a life going on right now so I can afford to just let things happen as they happen but I did miss class yesterday and I don’t see myself going tomorrow… How would this work if I had a job? If I had more than just one class? I have been falling further and further away from the positive light I once was illuminated by and now dealing with this flareup is simply killing what little hope I had stored up before. I can’t take this anymore.
My balance is so bad today that I can barely walk around the house again. It looks like I’m back to bumping into walls and moving at the pace of a snail on a hot summer day lost from all shade. What makes it worse is the vertigo that comes with it… I just can’t seem to see straight. I don’t know how to describe it properly in words but it is almost as if when I turn my head the world around me takes a few extra seconds to catch up with my line of sight. Once again simple tasks like making lunch or putting on my pants is not only difficult but dangerous. Every move I make no matter how simple it is has to be strategically calculated in order to avoid falling over. I tried digging out a crutch and a cane from the garage to see if that would help me get around better but I am finding that it is making things worse. By using a cane I find myself assuming that I have something to lean on when I am losing my balance but apparently, a cane is just an extension of your arm, and if you’re strength and motor skills are impaired well, so is the strength and motor skill of your cane.
Some of you know that I have been rather depressed lately but I have done my best to hide it as nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly down. What people consistently have been unable to realize is that multiple sclerosis is not the source of my depression. I have always had depression issues since my early teen years… I have been on medication for a while and for the most part it has helped me a lot. But now I find that it is not doing much good for me and I assume that is because the conditions of my life do not allow for feeling great even with the help of a happy pill. Antidepressants only bring your chemical imbalances back into what is considered normal balance. Assuming that the medication I am taking has brought me back into a normal balance I could conclude that I am actually depressed for all the right reasons. It is situational.
I want so desperately to have a quote unquote normal life… I want a job, I want to be more active in school, I want a better social life, and I want a healthy relationship, a companion… I miss having that… But I have none of that and I can’t see how I will anytime soon. With my health as up-and-down as it is getting back on track in life is only that much more difficult. It would be hard enough without the burden of this disease but with it things seem near impossible despite the fact that I know they are not. But knowing that is not enough. I feel as though I am stuck at a dead end in a large maze that I’ve been searching through for days looking for an exit only to find myself right back at this same dead-end. I am stuck.
So what am I to do? That is the question of all questions. No one has the answer but me and so it’s up to me to find that answer within myself but searching is a skill to be learned. I can break people apart, I can read their actions, their words, and figure them out like a simple puzzle but I cannot do that to myself. Psychologically speaking some would say that no one can but I would argue that we should be able to read ourselves to some degree and be able to learn from what we have read. What clouds my ability to do so? I don’t know but I’m tired of all this, it’s only been a year and a half, not even, and I am feeling rather broken down. I just want some kind of break in life, something that will allow me to catch up, but apparently that is too much to ask for and so I will no longer ask for it.