This post really doesn’t have to do with MS but is more of just me journaling, stating my state of mind I suppose. It probably won’t make any sense and that’s a good thing because I don’t really want it to, I just want to speak into the world and know that the words are not bouncing off the wall 2 feet from my face but instead working their way into society, into life, to be free and observed by any whom should choose to take interest in them. Im just in one of those moods you know? I just need to write, write so I can feel like I got what ever it is I’m talking about off my chest for my own personal satisfaction.
My mind has traveled a great distance in the last few weeks from the everlasting stalemate it had been jammed in for the longest time. I could attribute this partially to a change in my medication but I would probably be lying if I said it was all thanks to my new happy pills. It’s been a while sine I have tasted the sweet nectar of life I have grown to know as success, self gratification, but I finally got a sip of it the other week after photographing my first wedding. I was nervous at first and rather stressed as I seem to have some self confidence issues but once the bride was happy I finally allowed myself to believe what everyone had been telling me: that my photos were great.
Anyways that’s besides the point, the point is, I have felt a lot better about myself lately than usual, well, at least in the last few weeks I have. I had a spike of positivity, a brake from depression, and it of course felt good. I felt like I could finally see the world as clear as I should be able to see it regarding my sense of judgement. I couldn’t and didn’t trust myself before to be thinking rationally in any aspect of my life making it difficult to have any confidence in the decisions I was trying to make. Now that high is starting to wear off and I am trying to do what I can to not loose it, to set up some new boundaries in my life, some new guidelines while Im still thinking somewhat rationally so that I can work my way to being a better, happier, more successful person.
But all true dilemmas in life are nothing short of a paradox waiting to collapse our fragile universe before our very eyes and I am no exception to that cruel little rule. In order to feel successful one must be successful and in order to be successful one must feel successful for a depressive, self pitied, looser will be just that… A depressive, self pitied looser who never accomplishes anything do to his or her self fulfilling sense of failure. So in order to actually accomplish anything one must break the cycle, knowing what to do is not the problem it’s knowing how to do it.
We often seek advice or direction from someone else in life but most of the time the reality is, we already know the answers to our questions and we have already decided upon which endeavors in life to pursue. We really just don’t know how to travel the path to reach that end point, that goal, or maybe we do know how but don’t want to accept the answer and are hoping to find something more appealing in the words of a friend or who ever it is we sought advice from. I think that’s a major part of becoming self-aware in life: learning that it’s not always about making a decision but understanding why we will make that decision.
So I sat down and started creating a list of goals and things I wanted to do in my life that I thought would bring me a feeling of self accomplishment and success. With this list I will create some kind of map that I can follow over time for “a goal without a plan is just a dream”.
Now I should mention that I have been living with many insecurities about myself for some time now that have greatly effected my ability to maintain a relationship. I thought for the longest time that I was insecure about something in my partner when now I am realizing that I have always been insecure about something in me… It’s a shame that I am just now barely seeing this but what can I say, I am 21 years old… Becoming self aware is not an easy accomplishment nor is it one that I have succeeded in yet, but I’m trying to work on it. Anyways I do have a point here I just am having trouble reaching it…
When confronted with these insecurities I always thought I knew the answer to solving my dilemma but I am starting to understand what I mentioned earlier: I was simply looking for the easiest path to what I wanted and taking the path of least resistance is not always a strong foundation for success, it’s more of a “sweep the problem under the rug” kind of solution, a Band Aid which is why my idea for solving my insecurity issue would have never worked…
So now once again I am trying to make a personal choice in life, I’m trying not to rush it, I’m trying to be patient and go with the flow, but I’m trying to do whats right in a timely fashion and it’s difficult. I want to face my insecurities and conquer them properly, I want to be the best person I can be which means taking a path that is more difficult but may ultimately lead to a much greater sense of personal satisfaction and self-growth. When I spoke to a friend about this today she gave me a little bit of advice that I feel I will grow to covet and pass along over time.
“The best things in the end are the hardest in the beginning”
I may not know exactly what I want in life but I still have a pretty good idea of it. I know what kind of person I am and what kind of person I need to be and if you believe in a higher power what kind of person I am meant to be. What ever destination I choose among my many options in life I know that my path will not be an easy, smooth, ride downhill and that’s fine. I most certainly will not know exactly how to travel this path and will of course make many more mistakes and that too is fine. I will do what I have to do to build myself into the kind of person I want to be: physically, mentally, and emotionally. If I can accomplish a feeling of self accomplishment I feel that it will make the rest of my life run much easier and make things like a relationship and career much more obtainable and satisfying.
I don’t know if I tied any of that together, I don’t know if I ran all over the place with everything but like I said, it was more of a philosophical journaling experience for me but for those of you who actually decided to read it all the way through, hope you enjoyed. I could write on and on but I feel I have said all that I need to say.