Why is Matt So Depressed?

multiple sclerosis ms depression emotions

I was thinking this morning amongst the depths of my depression, I have never really explained why in full I am actually depressed so often. I always mention in my Facebook MS group that “I’m depressed today” and I’ll maybe offer a minimum explanation as to why but never the full story. So I wanted to take the time to try to explain why I am so depressed and why it’s such a constant issue for me. I hope this will help people better understand where I’m coming from and why I have such a hard time getting through the days of life with and without the Multiple Sclerosis factor.

Since my early teens I have always had major issues with depression… It seems as though I have never had a proper balance of dopamine in my brain as motivation has also always been a major factor contributing to my depression. I have always found it hard to commit to my endeavors leading to a decreased amount of personal success in my life. I eventually hit a very dark point in my life and my depression was getting extremely out of hand so I finally decided to seek the help of medication. At first I had really good luck with my antidepressants plus I felt rather successful in life at the time. I had a good job and was making decent money for someone my age, I had my own truck, I paid my own bills, I had lots of friends, I was constantly going out, life was just great. Pretty soon I started dating a coworker whom I quickly fell deeply in love with. Our relationship was off to a great start.
Life was Good.
Then Life was not so good.

Some might say that all good things must come to an end but that could be open to interpretation and is without a doubt a victim of opinion. Regardless, it was definitely the case for me. I foolishly quit my job to pursue a business opportunity because the company I was working for had been purchased by a larger company and they treated everyone horribly. On a regular basis employees were going home in tears, fights broke out, hours were cut, it was horrible. Many of us left because we couldn’t handle the emotional stress any longer. Soon after my business failed, my truck kept braking down, I had to sell it, my relationship was falling apart, my group of friends all went their seperate ways, and finally, life was not good.

I bought a new car and I thought things were turning around especially because it looked like my relationship was improving. Come to find out the car was a lemon and now I was in court trying to get my money back. The defendant never showed up once, I won the case but learned very quickly that it meant nothing because so long as the defendant avoided court I would never see a dime. What ever, it would all work out in the end right?
Fast-forward about a month. I’m standing in a hotel shower getting ready for a day at Disneyland and my foot is numb. It wasn’t long after my diagnosis that my relationship collapsed. MS was a struggle but I overcame my first exacerbation amazingly in my opinion at least. I was building a stronger relationship with my high-school buddy and his girlfriend. Watch the videos on youtube, we embarked on many little adventures and I felt like I was on top of the world, nothing could stop me, I had beat MS. Eventually I was back in my relationship trying to work things out. Things were OK at first and I felt content with my life. I had lost my friendship with my buddy and his girlfriend for various reasons but at least I had my girlfriend… Well… Things of course got complicated and our relationship finally came to an end…
Now I have no job, no car, my health has been declining, I have no friends, no people to interact with, no one to call my companion, no one to hold me when I’m down, no one… On top of that I’m stuck in my cramped up, depressing, little, room that I share with my brother which is just an entirely different source of depression in it’s own. No income but plenty of bills… No more feeling of accomplishment, nothing… I have lost everything or so it feels. Luckily I still have my best friend Rodney but we live 40 minutes apart so we are mostly limited to talking on the phone.
So you see, MS contributes to my depression the least… LIFE is what contributes to my depression above all else. I appreciate all my friend online in the small MS community I have helped* create, I would be in a much darker place without them all, and I appreciate the few friends I do have even though we don’t get to hang out much, but still I feel alone… My loneliness is crippling, I just want a companion to help me be strong again, to push me to succeed, even if it’s just a really good friend.
This is why I am depressed.

20 Responses to Why is Matt So Depressed?

  1. Willowtree says:

    Sometimes, I dont feel that people who are able to have lives…outside, can understand how helpful online friendships can be. My hope for you is that very soon, life will be even better than the good it was last time.

  2. Matt Allen G says:

    Thank you, glad finally someone had the guts to post a comment here. Thanks.

  3. Soph says:

    Ouch, busted…I've had this page open since you made the post, but didn't know what to say except that I understand completely and I hope you can get back to a life that's at least as brilliant as the one you used to have. But I suppose you know that anyway, right? 😉

  4. Melinda says:

    Hey Matt,

    I am so sorry to read about your depression. It is a crippling symptom of MS and it sounds like your situation is not helping any. I am so happy to see that you are getting started on LDN and can't wait to hear how it works for you. I have my toes and fingers crossed for ya buddy. Hang in there. Keep us posted on the effects of LDN as I am very curious how it will be for you. I am on your 'team' all the way.

  5. Matt Allen G says:

    Thanks guys, although depression is a crippling side effect of MS I was just to make the point that my depression really isn't because of my MS, I have been dealing with this for years and years and now the MS just adds on to my depression a bit more but throughout this last depressive breakdown I have had I have not really even been thinking about MS. Bu thanks guys.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Oi, Matt! I missed you in hospital. Cool. Enf Suzuki ( WE LOVE JAPAS) made a zen floor in the HCPA,it was a great surprise. Well,I hope you are felling better rght now . We wiil find way…

  7. Matt Allen G says:

    Confused: Lol missed me in hospital? Thanks though!

  8. Anonymous says:

    Have you got your LDN yet? I hope it will help you ease the pain and depression. I'm feeling down too but I guess I will wait for the better. At lease when we're down, we know the "up" is coming along.
    Dao

  9. Anonymous says:

    Matt:I went to the hospital to take solu medrol and check up 5 days without computator and cell phone. Guess who? Doris.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Matt! What do you need that we,old cool ladies, can help you ?We sent you songs,we say to you THAT is LIFE on earth! Ecxactly NOW there are 1 BILHON people starving.Etc…Youll be fine,why not? But we need to keep walking,loving,hopping etc.till we fell OK in this world.Doris.Let´s smile and play our mind games .

  11. Matt Allen G says:

    Haha YES! Got my LDN, Ill write about it today I just have been out of it….

    And DORIS, I get what you mean now lol, no technology is horrible! What is life without an electronic device keeping you connected to social networks! Lol I feel the same way, when I realize my phone is not in my pocket i literally have a mini panic attack~ lol

    And I appreciate all everyone has done, but it's just something more, simple, but I lack the proper vocabulary and means of communication to express what exactly it is….

    I think for now, Ill be keeping my depression to myself because there is nothing anyone can do, I know what has to happen, just have to be patient. But Thanks!

  12. Anonymous says:

    DEAR MATT! I´M SORRY, YOU KNOW I CAN WRITE WELL,BUT I READ YOUR BLOG SINCE I FOUND YOU AND I CONSIDER YOU MY FAMILY AND YOU KNOW,MY HOME SWEET HOME IS YOURS. THAT IS BRASIL.WE ALL WELCOME AND WE USED TO SAY THAT WE ALWAYS HAVE WHAT TO SHARE AND WE REALLY LIKE TO CARE.BJS/BYE DORIS

  13. Matt Allen G says:

    Don't be sorry haha I get you just fine. I used to deal with people from all over the world when I sold motorcycle parts inline and trust me your english is not half as bad as others I have spoke with haha! Thanks though!

  14. Anonymous says:

    Hi Matt,

    I'm sending good thoughts your way, and I hope your depression has lifted.

    Do you ever read the advice columnist, Cary Tennis, at salon.com? He seems like a real sensible guy. I remember once he said that many people with depression are helped when they participate in volunteer activities. It doesn't necessarily seem logical, but depressed people who succeed in thinking about things other than their own condition actually end up rewiring their brains and experiencing some relief from their depression. Just something I thought I'd pass along.

    I found you when I was searching for MS blogs. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but suffer from some of the symptoms – optic neuritis and dizziness mainly. When I get my health insurance in order, I'll have to go for more tests for a definitive diagnosis.

    Thanks for your efforts here on behalf on the MS community!

    Tim

  15. Matt Allen G says:

    Hi Tim! I've never heard of him but it makes complete sense to me as far as volunteering goes and I have in fact been looking into it. People need to feel a sense of purpose in life and without purpose will one can become depressed. Volunteering gives people a sense of purpose because you are helping someone's life, giving them something they would have not otherwise had if it was not for you.

    I'm slowly piecing together a plan to battle my depression and get ahold of my life or, start one I should say. I don't know how long you have been checking out my blog but you may have noticed that I have been absent for quite a while. I have been rather sick and now have some catching up and updating to do.

    Hopefully your symptoms are not a result of MS and if they are hopefully you have a minor case of it as some people do. I don't know what you have read out there but I can assure you that you need an MRI and a spinal tap. A lot of neurologist will diagnose based solely on an MRI but a spinal tap is more definite although remember, a negative does not mean no MS, but a positive means yes… if you would like further explanation let me know and we can get in touch !

    wishing you the best of luck!

  16. Matt Allen G says:

    Oh yeah, sorry for any weird spelling errors or grammar mistakes, I'm using voice recognition software right now to type and I forgot to review what I wrote before it posted it ha ha!

  17. Karen says:

    Hi – just wanted to say thanks for this post in particular. I found your blog today as I was searching for more information about MS fatigue which is crippling me in everyway. I have tried Adderal, Ritalin, Modafinil, Amantadine and probably a couple of others and still I just want to lay around all day. Depression is almost certainly involved as well.

    So thanks for your very articulate and honest blog. I think only MS people can understand how consoling it is to know others understand the feelings without judgement.

  18. Matt Allen G says:

    Yes I know what you mean, writing is the least I can do. Might as well turn my suffering into something that can possibly help even just ONE person rather then letting it go to waste. Going to suffer just the same either way.

    Glad it helped.

  19. Jax76 says:

    Jeez..Your life has been really tough, even taking the MS out the equation. Depression can be such a lonelyillness, leaving you locked inside sheer isolation. I've read quite a bit of your blog on and off this evening (it's now 2am here) so I feel like I know you better and know the struggles you face. It's great you take the time to blog, when so often you don't feel up to it – which everyone understands. For some people life is just so easy too:((

    Online friendship can be great, sometimes it's easier to talk to someone through a screen – I love my computer, some of best friends live in here:o))

  20. Matt Allen G says:

    I never compare myself to others or say I have had a horrible life. yeah times have been tough but that's life. I just want people to understand my perspective is all.

    And yeah I have a cool 300 friends on facebook with MS and without them I would not be doing as well as I am.

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