I was thinking this morning amongst the depths of my depression, I have never really explained why in full I am actually depressed so often. I always mention in my Facebook MS group that “I’m depressed today” and I’ll maybe offer a minimum explanation as to why but never the full story. So I wanted to take the time to try to explain why I am so depressed and why it’s such a constant issue for me. I hope this will help people better understand where I’m coming from and why I have such a hard time getting through the days of life with and without the Multiple Sclerosis factor.
Since my early teens I have always had major issues with depression… It seems as though I have never had a proper balance of dopamine in my brain as motivation has also always been a major factor contributing to my depression. I have always found it hard to commit to my endeavors leading to a decreased amount of personal success in my life. I eventually hit a very dark point in my life and my depression was getting extremely out of hand so I finally decided to seek the help of medication. At first I had really good luck with my antidepressants plus I felt rather successful in life at the time. I had a good job and was making decent money for someone my age, I had my own truck, I paid my own bills, I had lots of friends, I was constantly going out, life was just great. Pretty soon I started dating a coworker whom I quickly fell deeply in love with. Our relationship was off to a great start.
Life was Good.
Then Life was not so good.
Some might say that all good things must come to an end but that could be open to interpretation and is without a doubt a victim of opinion. Regardless, it was definitely the case for me. I foolishly quit my job to pursue a business opportunity because the company I was working for had been purchased by a larger company and they treated everyone horribly. On a regular basis employees were going home in tears, fights broke out, hours were cut, it was horrible. Many of us left because we couldn’t handle the emotional stress any longer. Soon after my business failed, my truck kept braking down, I had to sell it, my relationship was falling apart, my group of friends all went their seperate ways, and finally, life was not good.
I bought a new car and I thought things were turning around especially because it looked like my relationship was improving. Come to find out the car was a lemon and now I was in court trying to get my money back. The defendant never showed up once, I won the case but learned very quickly that it meant nothing because so long as the defendant avoided court I would never see a dime. What ever, it would all work out in the end right?
Fast-forward about a month. I’m standing in a hotel shower getting ready for a day at Disneyland and my foot is numb. It wasn’t long after my diagnosis that my relationship collapsed. MS was a struggle but I overcame my first exacerbation amazingly in my opinion at least. I was building a stronger relationship with my high-school buddy and his girlfriend. Watch the videos on youtube, we embarked on many little adventures and I felt like I was on top of the world, nothing could stop me, I had beat MS. Eventually I was back in my relationship trying to work things out. Things were OK at first and I felt content with my life. I had lost my friendship with my buddy and his girlfriend for various reasons but at least I had my girlfriend… Well… Things of course got complicated and our relationship finally came to an end…
Now I have no job, no car, my health has been declining, I have no friends, no people to interact with, no one to call my companion, no one to hold me when I’m down, no one… On top of that I’m stuck in my cramped up, depressing, little, room that I share with my brother which is just an entirely different source of depression in it’s own. No income but plenty of bills… No more feeling of accomplishment, nothing… I have lost everything or so it feels. Luckily I still have my best friend Rodney but we live 40 minutes apart so we are mostly limited to talking on the phone.
So you see, MS contributes to my depression the least… LIFE is what contributes to my depression above all else. I appreciate all my friend online in the small MS community I have helped* create, I would be in a much darker place without them all, and I appreciate the few friends I do have even though we don’t get to hang out much, but still I feel alone… My loneliness is crippling, I just want a companion to help me be strong again, to push me to succeed, even if it’s just a really good friend.
This is why I am depressed.