For the last few days I have been dealing with really itchy palms, it’s horrible… Obviously itching them doesn’t help but Benadryl does, one problem, it knocks me out! But what other choice do I have when I am taring my skin apart itching my hands? In fact, last night I even felt it on the top of my feet! So I did some research and pinned it on my citalopram which can cause itching. Emailed my doctor who actually replied! He told me to stop taking it, wait a week, and email him back… A week? Why do doctors think I have all the time in the world?? My depression was already debilitating and it’s only getting worse especially when dealing with something as stupid as sever itching! It’s the little things that tend to push people over the edge… I NEED to be on something…
Right now I feel like a wreck, I feel miserable… I can’t even pinpoint each symptom, each ache and pain, it feels like they are all just mixing together into one crappy feeling… On top of this I am extremely fatigued and trying to find a job while racing against the clock to pay the bills… I feel worse now then I did before but I can’t get disability help because I LOOK better right now so I MUST be better. So between the stress of my health and the stress of getting a job to pay the bills, I am growing even more depressed… I just want to lay down and die right now because it’s so hard!
I hate doing this alone… I know I complain about this a lot but the loneliness I feel everyday hurts so bad, literally, I can feel it in my chest… I want a companion so bad… Someone I can go out to eat with, go on walks with, drive around town with, someone to hug, to hold, to hold me… I’m so jealous of every young couple I see while I’m out and about… It’s not fair… I just try not to think about it but sometimes it’s hard when everywhere you go you have some kind of special memory. Every time I hear that one song or walk down that one isle at that one store… Everything reminds me of my past, part of me wants it back but… But the past is gone, the past can never be again, never.
Right now I’m thinking it would be good to volunteer at the community hospital to get me out of the house, involved with other people, and to feel like I am accomplishing something in my life. It’s just hard to fight through the depression. I have always had depression and always had to struggle but this is definitely the worst it’s been in a long time… I hate where I’m at in life, I hate it. I wish I could just wind the clock forward a bit to a different struggle of some sort.
Just got to keep on keepin’ on.