Looks Like I’m Allergic to my new Anti-Depressant

ms multiple sclerosis depression itching

For the last few days I have been dealing with really itchy palms, it’s horrible… Obviously itching them doesn’t help but Benadryl does, one problem, it knocks me out! But what other choice do I have when I am taring my skin apart itching my hands? In fact, last night I even felt it on the top of my feet! So I did some research and pinned it on my citalopram which can cause  itching. Emailed my doctor who actually replied! He told me to stop taking it, wait a week, and email him back… A week? Why do doctors think I have all the time in the world?? My depression was already debilitating and it’s only getting worse especially when dealing with something as stupid as sever itching! It’s the little things that tend to push people over the edge… I NEED to be on something…

Right now I feel like a wreck, I feel miserable… I can’t even pinpoint each symptom, each ache and pain, it feels like they are all just mixing together into one crappy feeling… On top of this I am extremely fatigued and trying to find a job while racing against the clock to pay the bills… I feel worse now then I did before but I can’t get disability help because I LOOK better right now so I MUST be better. So between the stress of my health and the stress of getting a job to pay the bills, I am growing even more depressed… I just want to lay down and die right now because it’s so hard!

I hate doing this alone… I know I complain about this a lot but the loneliness I feel everyday hurts so bad, literally, I can feel it in my chest… I want a companion so bad… Someone I can go out to eat with, go on walks with, drive around town with, someone to hug, to hold, to hold me… I’m so jealous of every young couple I see while I’m out and about… It’s not fair… I just try not to think about it but sometimes it’s hard when everywhere you go you have some kind of special memory. Every time I hear that one song or walk down that one isle at that one store… Everything reminds me of my past, part of me wants it back but… But the past is gone, the past can never be again, never.

Right now I’m thinking it would be good to volunteer at the community hospital to get me out of the house, involved with other people, and to feel like I am accomplishing something in my life. It’s just hard to fight through the depression. I have always had depression and always had to struggle but this is definitely the worst it’s been in a long time… I hate where I’m at in life, I hate it. I wish I could just wind the clock forward a bit to a different struggle of some sort.


Just got to keep on keepin’ on.

9 thoughts on “Looks Like I’m Allergic to my new Anti-Depressant

  • July 6, 2011 at 2:07 am

    you have to be off of it a week so that it all is washed from your system before starting a new one…. number one rule of depression meds….

  • July 6, 2011 at 2:11 am

    I know but they talk about all this waiting stuff like I have all the time in the world. "oh give it six months and we wil see how your doing then… IN the meantime, go get a job.". ARG!

  • July 6, 2011 at 2:30 am

    ok, here's some more tough love for you…

    i know it's incredibly hard to not be so totally consumed with the beast that is living within us… but i hate to see that you are not living… really living… yes we have some limitations and have to accomodate the beast… ok… but there is so much beauty in the world that it seems like you are missing out on… lonely is no fun at all… i agree… i spent 12 years totally alone after my divorce…but in that time i grew into me… i learned who i am, what my priorities are, what sort of person i want as my companion… i'm an old lady … just some thoughts on life…

    it's hard.. no doubt… i get down often…but then i choose to be happy… wonky, but happy… this is the life we have been dealt… while you are "waiting" for the next thing, enjoy the day… as best you can… enjoy the moment… there may not be another one for any of us…

    everything is a waiting game… always… but while waiting, find something that you CAN do and go for it… work, school, photos, creative writing, drawing… anything… it's all there for the taking… you just have to grab it… modify it to fit your needs then go with it…

    i personally believe that once you get out there and start living the best you can, make some choices of your own about work, school, or whatever… then you will start feeling better about life and the depression may lift a bit….

    once again, just some words from an ol lady who's been around the block a time or two

  • July 6, 2011 at 3:38 am

    i personally believe that once you get out there and start living the best you can, make some choices of your own about work, school, or whatever… then you will start feeling better about life and the depression may lift a bit…."

    I agree but I can't GET to that point. Im trapped in this house. I dont have a car to get around, I dont have money, its too hot to walk anywhere, I have no friends tog o out with. I am stuck in the tiny 1/2 of a bedroom that I share… MS is the smallest contributor to my depression, its just my overall life that gets to me. I want to get to that point so badly but I am STUCK.

  • July 6, 2011 at 3:49 am

    Hiya Matt,

    I do hear you really I do. I was young once believe it or not.

    I am not very good at explaining what I am trying too explain anymore as the MS fog has muddled my mind a bit.

    Acceptance is not giving in. It totally sucks having this disease but it is not the end of happiness – contentment – whatever you want to call it.

    And yes, waiting is hard it drives me wacky sometimes but I am getting better about it. What other logical choice to I have really?

    There is no magic pill, no formula that is gonna fix us right now. I do my best to keep the faith that someday there will be.

    Sherri in the above comment covered a lot of what I might have tried to say.

    Even without MS we all have to find our way, where we fit into this world.

    To date myself ugh oh here is a song that was number one the year I graduated High School (1976) it is special to me as it is one of the last songs I remember listening to with my best.

    Looking For Space


  • July 6, 2011 at 3:58 am

    I just wish I could get a job and not have to deal with the futile act of LOOKING for one because there really are none around here… I could battle all the MS BS if I could just see some progress in life but nothing I do moves me forwards, I always move backwards and its depressing.

  • July 6, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Hey Matt, just thought I'd let you know – when I had my first relapse in 2008 (misdiagnosed back then), I had a lot of trouble with itching hands. It got so bad that I had to sleep with gloves on because otherwise I'd scratch my palms and fingers in my sleep until I started bleeding. :/ Hope you find the reason and get rid of it soon!

  • July 6, 2011 at 7:12 am

    I am walking in similar shoes, I have so many symptoms that make me feel like I am dying all the time.
    I do have a job but I don't know how much longer I am going to be able carry on working because I feel so bad, I have a very physical job and have to do lots of walking so every night I am in agony.
    I also have so many bills and if I go do other work I will get paid less and I won't be able pay these bills.
    I don't really suffer with depression but maybe that's because I still have an income and a decent lifestyle.
    I feel for you Matt even though I don't know you personally.

  • July 6, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    @ Soph- man… I really hope this is an alergic reaction then because if this is a symptom I am going to just DIE! Man….

    @ Dominick – That's just not right… Because I doubt SSI would pay you nearly as much as your making now. Its like they want people with disabilities to only SURVIVE (if even that) in this country or just suck it up and work.


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