This may or may not have anything to do with MS, really, I don’t know, but it is however part of my life and effecting how I interact with my MS so I shall write about it.
Lately I have been battling depression like I have so many times in the past but today I am finding that I am entering the realm of morbid depression. I find this to be much worse then the stereotypical “debilitating depression” I typically encounter. When it comes to that kind of depression it simply requires that one fights a little harder to make it through the day. Now this is in no way shape or form easy I’m just simply saying that what I feel today is different. What I feel today is less like a bag of weights on my shoulders and more like a burning flame upon my back… It takes a little more then some extra struggle to force this depression to subside.
So why am I depressed? I don’t know, I mean, who could answer such a question? Certainly not anyone who is depressed themselves. I have been tapering off my anti-depressants so I can try a new medication but it’s only been about a week and I have only cut my dosage in half so that is not likely to be the soul culprit. Situational depression? Could be, although, I don’t feel as if I have as much in life to be depressed about right now as I did a few weeks ago. Possibly a combination of the above? I don’t know… I just know that I am currently not too fond of my life… I feel as though I have very little reason to drag myself out of bed every morning… The first thing I think of when I wake up is the highlight of my day: the END of my day. The time at which I can crawl back into bed and let my life fade away into my dreams… Sometimes I even enjoy my nightmares more then I do waking up…
I think what I feel most depressed about at the moment is the fact that I’m alone in life meaning, I have no significant other… Every time I see a couple walk by holding hands I find myself balancing on the fine line of jealousy and envy… Why am I alone? Do I really not appeal to any woman? I guess “rationally” speaking I am not in a position to meet people everyday… Not really in school, don’t have a job, nothing… But still… I hate it… Life is not like the movies where you bump into that one special girl while writing at a coffee shop… Nope… Just a bunch of moms starting their 5 year old’s on the caffeine nice and early in life.
I just want someone by my side, someone I can hold when I feel strong and whom can hold me when I feel weak. I hate being single, I really, really, do…
I envy those whom have MS and a significant other… MS is no doubtingly hard on a relationship as I have been on the loosing end of that scenario, but for those who can pull it off… Man… Do I envy you… There are so many days where MS gets the best of me, beats me down, brakes me apart, and I want nothing more then to crawl into bed with someone to tell me everything will be ok, to give me strength, but… I have no such person in my life. It’s just me. Just me in my bed alone at night with no one to wake up to by my side… I lack a vast enough vocabulary to express in words how much I hate being alone when fighting this disease.
Everyone tells me my time will come, that I won’t be single for long, but I can’t help but wonder, “what if”… What if I’ll always be that guy… That guy who never finds the right girl because he can’t find himself… Can’t be dependent… Can’t be happy on his own… What if…
I’m afraid to fall in love again… Everyone I have ever loved has hurt me in some way shape or form… What am I to do when I meet someone that I have not yet told about my MS? If I loved someone truly then why would I force such a burden upon them? I don’t know how Ill ever bring myself to ask another girl out because of these feelings… I feel like I should wait for someone to ask ME out because then, if they are the one to pursue me, I could conclude that they obviously have feelings for me despite my MS. I don’t know… I know part of this is just the depression talking but even when I’m doing good these thoughts still linger in the back of my mind.
Are there any girls left out there who aren’t looking for success in the form of money? I sure hope so… I hope I’ll meet a girl with similar priorities to me…
If you DO have someone in your life… Let them know that you love them… You appreciate them… You enjoy just being in their presence… Because if I had someone that’s what I would tell them right now.
The world before me grows gray with sorrow
I wait for color in each tomorrow
But all I see is black and white
As if this all were all out of spite
Do I ask for far too much?
I want some passion not a crutch.
How much struggle must I endure
Before I can find that beautiful cure?
Time is but a wretched thing
The worst of devils, the worst of fiends.
It never let’s my poor soul go
As if some debt I surely owe.
I’ll never ask to have it all
For all I want seams oh so small.
So small to some, so great to me,
We all need love, you must agree.
-Matt Allen G.