For those of you who stay in touch with me you know that I have not been doing so well in the last week or so mentally and emotionally. I have been in a rather negative and depressing mood and it was driving me crazy! I couldn’t get anything done, I was irritable, and just overall hating life. Well I have been trying to get over that as quickly as possible. Yesterday I made a decent first step: Got up, showered, and walked about 2 miles to Starbucks to sit down and get some writing done. I had a bit of a headache so I didn’t get as much as I wanted to get done finished but I still got up and out of the house. My day didn’t end as well but I was determined to wake up to a better day.
Today: Woke up, showered, ate, and walked about a mile to Supercuts to get my hair cut. I finally accumulated enough visits on my stamp card to get one free haircut so I decided to knock that out today so I could possibly start asking around for applications. STILL have not heard from disability… Been surviving off what little cash I made from selling my car… At this point, healthy or not, I’m going to HAVE to find a job… I have no other way to survive… Got a ride back home and did some cleaning. Ate lunch and then hitched a ride to Walmart to return some crap I had bought the other day that I didn’t end up needing. Took care of some laundry and a little more cleaning and now I’m taking a brake to write this update. Overall I feel like I am off to a good start on being productive. Still trying to control the depression and what not but that’s how it goes for a while before you can fully shake it off.
Later on I am going to start working on my latest photography class assignment and then I am going to start working on backing up all my photos from my laptop to CD’s that I can store in a case because they are taking up too much room on my computer. After that I’m going to try getting a little more organized with my photo storing system and work on getting into the stock photography business, see if I can’t sell a couple photos here and there to make some pocket cash. Who knows, got to try it out or else I’ll never know if it’s a waste of time or not. Anything would help at this point since the government doesn’t really care to help me out.
So how am I doing? Better I suppose. I’m starting to feel that fire inside, that fire that’s says “Screw this, I’m sick of this, time for something better, time to make something happen” so I can only hope that that fire grows larger instead of dying out like it usually does because I REALLY need to make some changes, I REALLY need to get my life going. I’m sick of all this crap and I’m sick of MS making it that much harder to survive in this world. I want to succeed, I want more in life, I want to travel, I want to help people, entertain people. I want to stop SURVIVING and start LIVING.
As far as my symptoms are concerned there hasn’t been much change but I guess I haven’t really talked about that in a while, so here is the “update”. Balance is crap… Especially in the last couple of days. Depth perception is a little wacky too. Vision is on and off as usual and the left side of my body has been pretty weak… Fine motor control is not so great and my left leg is still tremoring here and there. Cognitive function is no different in that it sucks. Other then that doing ok: I think that’s pretty much all the main stuff.
Final note. While I was walking to get my haircut today wobbling around like a drunkard I was thinking back to that one great month I had: Camping, hiking, offroading, dirtbiking, and so on. What the hell? Why did I get one month of that after the worst of my MS and now almost a year later, I havn’t had any crippling exacerbation since the first, and I’m just not getting back to that point. I really don’t think I ever will… We shall see, just got to be patient. Maybe once I am fully active again and happier with my life the change in attitude will better my health just enough to get me back out there doing that kind of stuff.
I just need to get some income and a new car so I can start being active again and hanging out with someone besides myself everyday. Start putting money aside to plan little trips and big trips. See movies, go out to dinner, all the things that make me happy. I hate being stuck in the house, it is the ultimate source of my depression. I NEED change and I need it NOW.