My Thoughts: I’m Sick of being Tired and Tired of being Sick

sick of multiple sclerosis ms prednisone

NOTE: Please excuse any spelling or grammar errors… 
I am not myself right now and writing is kind of hard.

Lately I have been finding myself falling deeper and deeper into a pit of depression… My physical health is not getting better and possibly getting worse… Typing is not so easy physically or mentally… If I’m not missing keys with my fingers I am typing nonsense as a result of cognitive “fog”. I’m not even a paragraph in and I have already hit the delete key more then I have hit any other key… It’s REALLY frustrating… I think I am going to have to start using the voice recognition software again pretty soon depending on how much patience I can maintain.

Anyways, depression… I haven’t had to deal with this in a long while but of course it’s back. I can sit here and complain and complain all the while simultaneously rationalizing reality causing even more emotional contradiction within myself. I feel like I am nothing more then a vessel of conflict waiting to burst. Sometimes I feel as though I am going to just crack and loose my mind causing my body to collapse into a vegetative state of being. Please pull the plug if that ever happens, because I DO NOT want to be a vegetable.

I know I need to get a hold of this depression as quickly as possible as always because depression gets in the way of everything preventing me from being functional in any way shape or form… Depression is even making taking my medicine hard. I have been waking up staring at my needles just hating life. I am so sick of sticking myself every day… So sick of swallowing those nasty Prednisone pills. I’m sick of all of it! I hate my routine of existence, surviving, day by day. It all feels so pointless. I want purpose, I want to feel like I have something to wake up for and I want something to show for my success at the end of the day. Right now I have nothing. No job, no real schooling, no passion, no nothing. I’m just killing time.

I wanted to focus more on my blogging and writing but it’s been so hard to stay focused enough to accomplish any writing. It’s hard to want to write when your fingers won’t move the way you want them to and your brain won’t spell the words your thinking of. I try to be active and complete simple tasks like cleaning or building small wood projects, something I always enjoyed. Lately I just can’t. Today all I had to do was take apart a few 2×4’s from a while ago that were screwed together with a few deck screws. This should have taken 30 seconds but my depth perception is so off that it took me for ever to just get the stupid drill bit into the screws… I was tripping over nothing, loosing my balance, and overall, loosing my mind.

I am tired of being frustrated! I want to have control over my body again! Sure I look OK and I bet every doctor I see thinks I’m full of S**T but I’m not! Ask me to walk a straight line and I can do it but when I’m simply going about my business not thinking about walking, not making a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to maintain my balance I am constantly tipping, tilting, leaning in to walls, and walking a crooked line. I hate it. Unless I video tape myself all day everyday for a week I don’t know how else I can get doctors to believe that there is something wrong with me because for the most part I can force myself to do anything asked of me but that doesn’t mean I could maintain that effort all day! Everything exhausts me! I hate it!

Worst of all I’m lonely. I have no friends to spend time with and at the same time I can’t get any space to myself here at home. It’s like dying of thirst while having to go to the bathroom so bad you feel like your bladder is going to explode. Horrible… I really feel like I have no life, honestly, I do. I hate it. I want so much change right now but I can’t do anything but wait. Wait around and do nothing… Just continue killing time and continue feeling like the world looks at me like some lazy guy using his so called disability as an excuse to not do anything.

I just wish I knew what to do.

15 Responses to My Thoughts: I’m Sick of being Tired and Tired of being Sick

  1. handipeep says:

    Matt, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I understand. I can truly 100% say that I DO. Every thing that you said, I have said both to myself and to my husband within the past week at least. I'm with you, you aren't alone. I get the fact that we are alone – in reality – but it's blogs like yours that make me realize that someone out there actually DOES understand. And while I'm so sorry you are in my company, I will also say that I am grateful that you shared your feelings, because it sure helped me, esp. tonight after a very tough couple of weeks. I just wanted to tell you that your words make sense to me – and I'm sure to a lot of others out there – and there will be good days ahead, we just have to somehow get through this sh*t, rip apart some 2×4's, share our stories, and stick together. It sucks, that's for sure. But know that you aren't alone. And your words really helped validate my emotions. So thanks for sharing. Keep up the fight, Matt.

  2. Oh Matt, I so wish you didn't live so far away, I want to give you a bit hug and tell you I know how you feel. I'm living the life of MS too and it's not an easy life to live.

    We need to stay together, us MSers, and give each other understanding and comfort. Every day lived is a bonus, every deed done is a joy, every friend is a treasure to help you through this MS mess.

    You have so many friends living this life with you, you are helping us all as we help each other. Shit happens, joy happens, just duck the first and enjoy the second!

  3. Matt Allen G says:

    @handipeep: I'm glad my words helped validate osme of you emeotions because thats something I have a hard time with myself… Sometimes I'm not sure wether I am feeling a certain way because of the MS or because of my overall life or simply because I am being irrational… It's frustrating.

    @Carolyn: I hate that we all live so far away… whats with that? I try my best to enjoy the good times and blow off the bad… I think I do a pretty good job for the most part but sometimes I just can't help but to get pist off and loose it. I hate being mad but sometimes I can't help it! I just need to transform that energy in to something productive.

  4. Brad says:

    Hey Man… I wish the world could understand how disabilities affect people…but sadly, they don't. As far as the depression goes – I'm not sure what is worse – the depression or the pain.
    Please make sure you are getting 8 – 10 hours of sleep. PLEASE PROMISE ME THIS!
    If you get less than 8, your cognitive function will be worse, as will your depression.
    And, even tho you do not have many friends in the real world (let's face it, most of us don't) you have a STRONG support group here online.
    We all want the best for you. You have a good soul dude, and I hope tomorrow is a better day.
    -brad

  5. Matt Allen G says:

    Thanks man, and I do get plenty of sleep, too much sometimes which makes me feel worse so I am working on getting up at a decent time because it makes my day go better its just hard to get out of bed sometimes… Well… Most the time… Haha…

  6. Soph says:

    Oh, Matt. πŸ™ Like everyone else here, I know exactly what you're going through. My own on-and-off depression and anxiety has got a lot worse with my latest relapse and I've been waking up at night clutching my fingers or groping for the light switch fearing for my hands or my eyes. Physically, things are bad too. During the day, I often have to lie down because everything just feels to awful. But when I turn up at the hospital, they ask me to move this way and that way and tell me I'm hardly disabled at all. Jesus. They should try getting through half a day at uni inside my body. Not quite the same as tapping your fingers on your doctor's table, is it?

    Just this morning, my teacher asked me whether I was making any progress, health-wise and I said something like "well, every time I think I might be making some, I have another relapse and everything is awful all over again". She looked at me for a moment and replied with a heartfelt "That sucks!" It actually made me laugh; it was the closest a healthy person has ever got to understanding what I'm going through. I wish my doctors ever got that far.

    Seriously, though, have you thought about doing something about your depression? It sounds like you are really in a pretty bad place right now. πŸ™ Maybe you can have access to psychotherapy if you talk to your doctor about your problems? I don't know if and how that would work out in your country, but my doctors are forever pointing out that option to me.

    *hugs*

  7. Matt Allen G says:

    I this was facebook I would "Like" your comment. You know exactly how I feel about the doctors thing.

    "they ask me to move this way and that way and tell me I'm hardly disabled at all. Jesus. They should try getting through half a day at uni inside my body. Not quite the same as tapping your fingers on your doctor's table, is it?"

    EXACTLY

    My depression is manageable with the medication I'm on and with my own "self-help" methods it's just my situational depression sucks right now because of my SITUATION haha, pills can't change life only your perception of life and if life throws a crappy situation at you and your perceive it properly then you are naturally going to have a poor response to it.

    Hopefully my situation will change soon.

  8. Soph says:

    Yeah, that's basically why I haven't seen a psychotherapist yet…I mean, I don't actually have a psychological problem – I'm down because I have a physical problem. I don't know, maybe I'll try it anyway. But not today. πŸ˜‰

    Re facebook – wanna be facebook friends? (Feel free to say no; I know people use FB in different ways have different friending policies. :))

  9. Matt Allen G says:

    Well if your down about your physical disabilities a therapist might still be helpful! (In my opinion).

    And yeah, I have an entire network of friends that I have met through my blog on facebook so add me!

  10. Soph says:

    I'll think about it. I'm mostly down about my constant relapses that make it impossible for me to plan even a few days ahead. Argh.

    Okay. πŸ™‚ I'm the one with the hippopotamus userpic. *heads on over to facebook*

  11. Matt Allen G says:

    Yeah I understand how you feel… That gets me too but for me my depression is mostly the result of stuff that would happen if I had MS or not… Just life stuff you know?

  12. MKAD says:

    I don't know what to say to cheer you up. You're not alone, we're all here with you and understand what you've been through… Somebody should find a cure soon… Time flies and we all have our lives to live. Argggggggg

  13. Matt Allen G says:

    Thanks, I'm doing better though, al good things to those who wait :^b

  14. Unknown says:

    Matt – How are you doing now? I just googled "sick and tired" and this blog post came up. I always say I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have ms too and most recently had HSCT. My days have not been good since the procedure (had it done in mid-November, 2015) and I thought there would be some ups on this roller coaster ride but it's been one really steep never-ending downhill ride. I sometimes think moving to Oregon for assisted suicide is not such a bad thing after all. I'm not suicidal really but I am a realist and can't stand the idea of being a complete burden to my family.

    • What procedure did you have done? I think you have to be patient, this is a very dynamic disease, it takes a lot of time for healing but you have to work at it or it will take even longer!

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