Lately I have been finding myself falling deeper and deeper into a pit of depression… My physical health is not getting better and possibly getting worse… Typing is not so easy physically or mentally… If I’m not missing keys with my fingers I am typing nonsense as a result of cognitive “fog”. I’m not even a paragraph in and I have already hit the delete key more then I have hit any other key… It’s REALLY frustrating… I think I am going to have to start using the voice recognition software again pretty soon depending on how much patience I can maintain.
Anyways, depression… I haven’t had to deal with this in a long while but of course it’s back. I can sit here and complain and complain all the while simultaneously rationalizing reality causing even more emotional contradiction within myself. I feel like I am nothing more then a vessel of conflict waiting to burst. Sometimes I feel as though I am going to just crack and loose my mind causing my body to collapse into a vegetative state of being. Please pull the plug if that ever happens, because I DO NOT want to be a vegetable.
I know I need to get a hold of this depression as quickly as possible as always because depression gets in the way of everything preventing me from being functional in any way shape or form… Depression is even making taking my medicine hard. I have been waking up staring at my needles just hating life. I am so sick of sticking myself every day… So sick of swallowing those nasty Prednisone pills. I’m sick of all of it! I hate my routine of existence, surviving, day by day. It all feels so pointless. I want purpose, I want to feel like I have something to wake up for and I want something to show for my success at the end of the day. Right now I have nothing. No job, no real schooling, no passion, no nothing. I’m just killing time.
I wanted to focus more on my blogging and writing but it’s been so hard to stay focused enough to accomplish any writing. It’s hard to want to write when your fingers won’t move the way you want them to and your brain won’t spell the words your thinking of. I try to be active and complete simple tasks like cleaning or building small wood projects, something I always enjoyed. Lately I just can’t. Today all I had to do was take apart a few 2×4’s from a while ago that were screwed together with a few deck screws. This should have taken 30 seconds but my depth perception is so off that it took me for ever to just get the stupid drill bit into the screws… I was tripping over nothing, loosing my balance, and overall, loosing my mind.
I am tired of being frustrated! I want to have control over my body again! Sure I look OK and I bet every doctor I see thinks I’m full of S**T but I’m not! Ask me to walk a straight line and I can do it but when I’m simply going about my business not thinking about walking, not making a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to maintain my balance I am constantly tipping, tilting, leaning in to walls, and walking a crooked line. I hate it. Unless I video tape myself all day everyday for a week I don’t know how else I can get doctors to believe that there is something wrong with me because for the most part I can force myself to do anything asked of me but that doesn’t mean I could maintain that effort all day! Everything exhausts me! I hate it!
Worst of all I’m lonely. I have no friends to spend time with and at the same time I can’t get any space to myself here at home. It’s like dying of thirst while having to go to the bathroom so bad you feel like your bladder is going to explode. Horrible… I really feel like I have no life, honestly, I do. I hate it. I want so much change right now but I can’t do anything but wait. Wait around and do nothing… Just continue killing time and continue feeling like the world looks at me like some lazy guy using his so called disability as an excuse to not do anything.
I just wish I knew what to do.