Progress Update: This MS BS is Getting Old

ms multiple sclerosis relapse symptom

As I have mentioned many times before, everyone has their up’s and down’s and as positive as I struggle to be I inevitably experience some down times… Right now is one of those times… I have been trying my best to stay positive but it seems as though life is kicking me while I’m down. My MS symptoms have been getting worse… My eft leg is really weak and has very little coordination in it. It also feels like I need to stretch it all the time but no matter how much I stretch it that tedious feeling won’t go away. It’s not painfull it’s just unpleasent.

My vision has been pretty bad lately, it will come and go throughout the day but for the most part it has been pretty blurry and my blind spot has been rather present… The tingling in my left hand has also got worse and so has it’s fine motor controll… Depth perception is a little funky and I am noticing a little lhermites sign today… My legs got really tingling after I went for a walk but right now they seem ok… I just feel a little tingling in my elbows when I tilt my heda down, hopefully that won’t come back full blast…

Oh yeah, as a result of my left leg being weak I have to lock my knee a bit to walk better: something my body has already made a habit of doing when my leg is like this. So after a decent amount of walking (or usually by the end of the day) my knee hurts really bad from walking on it wrong… The other night was really bad… I can’t stand it.

Also been fighting fatigue and really bad brain fog… Will forget what I’m doing, what I was talking about, won’t be able to think of certain words and I can’t remember where the heck I put my referral to Loma Linda! Although I probably would have forgot that one either way… I just hate how I can’t think clearly…

Now on top of that I am loosing my mind because I wanted to have a car and job by now but I am no closer to that then I was two months ago… At least I don’t feel like it… I have no money, bills are coming up, and disability cut me off… Basically… I’m SCREWED. I’m hoping I can pull some stuff together at the last minute but I hate living like this! I want a job with consistent pay, I want to be able to afford things, and I want to start saving money! I don’t want to SURVIVE, I want to LIVE.

What makes it all worse is I feel like no one in my life (with a couple of exceptions) really understands how frustrating this MS BS is… How debilitating all the little things are when they all add up. It’s just overwhelming! All I want is some simple understanding but I can’t even get that… Sure I might look great but that doesn’t mean I FEEL great or FUNCTION great… So now I feel like crap for “sitting on my butt all day” when I feel like I don’t have much else choice… I HATE BEING CALLED LAZY! When I try to push myself to be active I start feeling everything get worse… I just want to see my new doctor so I can get some advice… I especially want to see the MS specialit at Loma Linda because I need to know how to get my life going, I can’t function like this… Maybe I need different medications? I don’t know… I just want this all to change…

Why can’t life throw a little good my way? 
Not a lot, just a tiny, tiny, bit…. Just enough to help…  Ugh…

I have to go… I am getting even more frustrated trying to type… Can’t hit the right keys… Getting tired of having to re-write every other word. Hopefully I’ll be in a more positive mood in the next day or so, just trying to keep it chill for now. Had to vent, thanks for reading!

10 thoughts on “Progress Update: This MS BS is Getting Old

  • April 18, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    the stretching thing is so annoying!! but i know what your saying i always have that feeling. both of my knees lock up too! & the brain fog and the not being able to remember thing is a constant for me too.. ughh im sorry that we have to connect on such shitty grounds.. hope things get better my ms has been out of whack for about the past 2 months.. so hang in there i know how you're feelin.. n p.s ive had to re type this about 4 times lol

  • April 18, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    It really is annoying… I can't stand it but I'm hangin' in there… Could be worse… Hope things get better for you to! MS IS BS, ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • April 19, 2011 at 2:01 am

    LIVE. I support you on that. I had to find within the strength to go on, and I have to find it again moment by moment. This is no small thing you are going through. Be compassionate with yourself. Perhaps let go of expectations of others. One of my favorite quotes is “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

    I like your blog's new look a lot.


  • April 19, 2011 at 3:55 am

    I have heard that somewhere before, I don't know where, but I have.

    Just gotta keep on keepin' on.

    Thanks for the compliments on the blog!

  • April 19, 2011 at 4:22 am

    You have me on that thought "I want to LIVE. I don't want to just SURVIVE"
    Keep on keeping on hahahaha Sure there will be brighter days

  • April 20, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    Hey Matt, I am so sorry dude. I totally know how you feel and what you are going thru. I swear, I feel like we are in the exact same situation. I', not sure how your family is – but my family doesn't understand, and with their lack of understanding comes a lack of compassion. Yesterday, I woke up sooooo freaking dizzy. I was dizzy for almost 35 minutes. I should have laid back down in bed, but I was not thinking and got up, hoping that the dizziness would go away. ugh
    I also have found that I can wake up feeling positive, but go to bed depressed. When I was in my teens, I could easily stay awake all night… Well, I can't do that anymore. The more tired I am, the more depressed I get.
    Anywho, I have my MRI tomorrow, and will be seeing a specialist. I am really scared. I don't know why. There really is no need to be scared. It's just in my head.
    I hope you get to Loma Linda soon. You deserve to LIVE and I know good things will happen with you. Very true, and very great blog post. Feel better man. -Brad

  • April 20, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    My family luckily is very understanding for multiple reasons. I am sorry you have a different situation there… Compassion is important, it can help a lot. My depression doesn't have much of a pattern right now, not that I can see at least but man it has been so hard to stay up lately… Been knocking out at like 8 and waking up at 9 or 10…. I hate it…

    Thanks for the post though, keep in touch man, we all need friends!

  • September 13, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Hey mate! I'm in bed f***** I was so bad earlier I couldn't think to get my words out I couldn't talk I couldn't txt my friend either.
    was shuffling across the kitchen holding on to the work tops to get to bed this is at 10:40 in the morning and I'm done in.
    I'm like you always like to look good somtimes it makes people say there's "nothing wrong with you".
    People say it could be worse it could be F****** better to!!
    Catty, Ireland

  • September 13, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    Lol I love that, going to use that next time:

    "It could be worse"
    :yeah well it could be BETTER!"

    Hahahaha nice, thanks!

    Hope you do better though, I hated using my house as a crutch… :^/


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