Progress Update: 9 Cubic Feet of Space

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All the Space I can Call Mine… More or Less…

It’s been a while since I did a progress update as I have been focusing a lot of my time on my photography and working on my little guide for newly diagnosed MS patients which I have still yet to finish do to a strong lack of overall motivation I have been experiencing in the last week or so… I haven’t really been depressed so to say, I have just been without motivation to do anything right now… It’s horrible…

A lot of this has to do with my growing frustrating regarding my current living situation. For those of you who do not know. I live with my parents in a household of 6 people (including myself). I have three younger  brothers and this is a 3 bedroom house… So… My parents share one room (obviously), my two youngest brothers share the second room, and my last brother and I share the last room…

The room is about 10’x10′ and after the room is divided in half and then my half is filled with my bed and “desk” I am left with about 9 cubic feet of space… That’s a 3’x3′ amount of space that I spend most of my day in… This obviously is an easy way to go insane, I basically live in a cubical…

What really gets to me though is the lack of privacy I have, something any 20 year old would appreciate to have. I awake everyday to either the sound of yelling as my brothers struggle to get ready for school on time or the sound of my dad waking the brother I share a room with because apparently he does not know how to set an alarm… Though, I don’t know whats better, waking up to the sound of someone else’s alarm or someone knocking on the wall telling my brother to wake up as if I wasn’t in the room as well.

What I would give for my own room! Somwhere I could actually lock myself away for a while, somewhere I could sit and write, or just lay down for a bit without people barging in and out like this was a hallway of some sort. No knocking, no nothing, just barging in and out. This gets on my nerves above all else.

But I really have no right to complain, I am 20 years old, I have no job, and have made no progress towards setting up my life and moving out. I am in someone else’s house and so I have to live by their means of living. So ultimately, what’s REALLY stressing me out is the fact that I can’t do much* to move out any time soon, something I REALLY want right now.

Stress is obviously really bad for MS and should be avoided at all costs to reduce the effects of symptoms. The other night I had no tingling in my body when I tilted my neck down, I was so happy that it seemed to have gone away. Next day I wake up to my family is fighting over school matters and so I start my day in the middle of a stressful situation. That day the tingling came back and it has yet to subside. It’s literally effecting my physical health so I REALLY feel like I need to do something to move out but I’m not sure how to go about this situation.

I’m just about ready to forget about disability and start looking for a job again and just do my best to work despite my current symptoms. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I still haven’t got my money back from the people I bought my DUD car from even after I won in court, so I have been without my own car since July of 2010, kind of hard to get a job and go to school without your own car! Getting sick of trying to work around everyone’s schedule to borrow their cars, it makes everything very limiting. I am really pissed at these people who won’t pay up! They lost fair and square, they lied to me, they owe me my money, they arn’t paying, and they are greatly getting in the way of me progressing in life!

If I didn’t have such horrible balance issues along with reduced vision and cognitive function I would put aside some disability and buy an old motorcycle, fix it up, and use that for now, but I was skeptical to do that BEFORE I had MS so forget that haha! I would walk around town like I used to in highschool but I’m finding I “overheat” really easily and it’s already starting to warm back up where I live… Summer is right around the corner so it will be back to hiding in the house from the heat.

I just wish I could move forward! I wan’t my own space! I want to move out! I have a friend who wants to get a place with me but I have no income so he is stuck in his crappy living conditions as well. ARG!

Anyways, symptom-wise not too much different. Still at a stalemate, light tingling in arms, chest, and spine when I tilt my head down. Balance issues and pretty bad cognitive functions. That’s about it.

Well I guess this was more of a venting session then it was a progress update but hopefully thing will turn around soon so I can be more productive and write about some more positive stuff.

Thanks for reading!

9 Responses to Progress Update: 9 Cubic Feet of Space

  1. Sherri says:

    time for a bit of tough love matt….

    in your q&a with the canadian nurse:
    "For the most part I've maintained a positive attitude regarding my future, I've already made the stubborn decision that MS will not get in the way of the things I want to do in life, I'm not stuck with MS, MS is stuck with me. Again, it's a frustrating disease especially for someone who has always struggled for independence, I will always have my ups and downs and I think that's normal so long as I maintain a positive attitude for the majority of the time."

    pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get busy living your life… find a way… find your determination…

    i have symptoms that are very similar to yours… they never truly subside… the fatigue is devastating… and on and on… you know the drill…

    i go to work every single day…i make myself do it… it's hard and it's tough… and some days it's just play awful…

    do they have metro buses in your area? what about carpool vans for people with disabilities? they come take you where you need to go and then back home again… get out of your room…

  2. Matt Allen G says:

    I do realize that there is much more I could be doing, I think I'm frustrated because I can't take the path that I have set up MYSELF which is actually finally working out for once… If I had a car that was legally MINE I think I would finally be on my way to success so it's driving me nuts that it's not working out that way, but life never works out the way you plan it to, "fate doesn't care about plans".

  3. Matt Allen G says:

    But then again, I don't necessarily believe in fate :^b

  4. Sherri says:

    ha! fate is one of those elusive things that some people can find comfort in at times… faith is a personal thing and sometimes it's all we may have…

    coming from an older perspective…

    your illness certainly will change the path you take… i don't know what your final goals are… but does MS have to change the final goal? does it change what is at the finish line? or does it only change the path there?

    in the beginning, i was thinking of all the things i was going to have to change about my life..and i was becoming very overwhelmed… i was busy trying to wrap my mind around MS and disability and all the things i can't do now… then i finally reached a point of telling myself "hogwash"…

    certainly my life is different, it is not going to be the way i "planned"…but that doesn't mean that i have to stop doing… for me it is in my own best interest to change my career… i hate that i must do that because i love what i do… but it's not good for my health any longer…

    so i've taken an inventory of my talents and my passions… my end goals, my finish line are the same, but i'm changing my path…

    you see my finish line is helping others… it's what i was born to do… it has been my purpose in life since i can remember thinking clear thoughts…. so i won't be working in the same career but i can use my other talents and knowledge to continue helping others but in a way that is better for me…

    just something to think about maybe? define your end goal and find a new, sometimes better alternative to getting there?

    i feel for you… it's hard when so many things are piled up around you so that you can hardly find breath… you will slowly dig your way out of the pile… i can tell you are that kind of guy…

  5. Matt Allen G says:

    I like the way you think in that you think like me :^b. I have ALWAYS looked at life that way and when MS came into my life I stubbornly decided that it wasn't going to stop me from doing the things I wanted to do in life, it would simply "alter the path I take to get there".

    It's like pouring a glass of water down the side of a dirt hill. If you look closely, the small streams you create will twist and turn around the small lumps of dirt and rocks in it's pathway but ultimately, it's all going to end up in the same place: the place you wanted it to end up, at the bottom of the hill.

  6. Matt Allen G says:

    Since we have set up this analogy Ill put this posting in much simpler terms: I am not unhappy with my overall life, I am unhappy with the part of the path I am currently "stuck" on.

  7. Soph says:

    Oh dear. Here I am complaining about how hard it is to get around and to university and how much more work everything is now – but at least I am able to go. I hope you'll find a way to do what you need to do soon; I know how frustrating it can be when your independence and career/studies are really important to you and MS threatens them. Take care, okay? 🙂

  8. Matt Allen G says:

    I will, I can assure you, today I had a bit of a last straw kind of moment so I am ready to kick things into overdrive. I am NOT going to let anyone stand in my way, I am sick of the world dragging it's feet around me, time for me to get a little more assertive lol…

  9. Matt Allen G says:

    I have too much opportunity to let it all go to waste.

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