Well, today I suffered a bit of an “emotional breakdown”. Happens to everyone and as strong as I try to be it happens to me too… Yes I may come off as one with a strong positive attitude but every now and then life gets the best of me and I crack, falling into the darkness of depression.
“Tough times never last but tough people do”
A friend told me that, a friend who doesn’t know of my MS but saw that I was clearly having a bad day. What a great way of looking at things because it’s so true. Times may be tough but they will not last for ever, however, I guarantee you that I will.
“In the end everything will be OK and if it’s not OK then we haven’t reached the end yet.”
Another of my favorite quotes though who originally said this I am not sure. I have heard it was originally said by presidents, screenwriters, and poets but who said it doesn’t really matter as it is a great quote and a great way of looking at life.
After I straightened my head out with the help of a good friend of mine, I realized that the source of my depression is the fact that I have not been progressing in life. Sure there are many other “social factors” that lead to my breakdown but ultimately, the underlying source of my depression is the fact that I am stuck in life. When you take away someones “options” in life that leads to dark feelings. I have very little options at the moment… I have no money, no job, no car of my own, hardly any friends, and so, I can’t go out and do the things I want to do, I cant save up for the things I want to pocess, I can’t move out, etc. I have no options, I have no choice but to sit in my room and watch time slowly pass by. This leads to my depression.
I want desperately to progress in life, to start my life, and when I talk about progressing, I am of course overlooking my health and talking specifically about my overall life, the life I wanted before I even had MS. The things that some people would refer to as “success” though don’t get me wrong, I surely do not live by societies stereotypical set of standards. I know what I want and I know what will make me happy and that is what I am pursuing, my own views of success that is. I have no doubtingly made much progress in my health since my diagnosis (even though at the moment I am starting to have trouble again) but I want to succeed in my overall life endeavors or start making progress towards them that is. I don’t want to feel stuck anymore, I want my options back.
I miss having a job and a car of my own with money to spend. I had options, I could actually do things, work towards goals, etc. I think if I had all that back I would be such a happier person, it would make such a huge difference in my life but right now I am so stuck and I hate it! It’s driving me mad!
My overall point is that I have realized it’s important to set goals in life and constantly move forward in order to feel accomplished at the end of the day: in order to feel like you have options and like your not stuck.
“Dream as if you’ll live for ever, Live as if you’ll die today”. -James Dean