I have always been one to keep a few close friends in my life rather then surround myself in a huge social crowd. It’s been hard for me lately not because MS has destroyed my friendships but because MS has allowed me to see people more clearly, to see them for who they really are, to “see their true colors” and unfortunately, I have not liked what I have seen so far… This has led to several of my good friendships falling apart.
Every incident has been different in it’s own ways but fundamentally, when you break each situation down, all my friendships have ended for the same basic reason. I have been let down in some way shape or form as a friend. I have always gone above and beyond for my close friends, the people I care about, and the people I love. I have always put them all before myself, and truly tried to be there for them how ever I could. I slowly began to realize in the last few months that none of my friends were really willing to do the same for me. I’m not going to bring up any particular incidents because I am not trying to put anyone on the spot or bring my personal affairs into the matter but I can truly say that I have busted my ass for several of my friends who in return couldn’t even show a little effort in trying to be there for me.
I try my best not to hold grudges but sometimes resentment is hard to shed, sometimes it’s hard to forget the past and not be bitter. I don’t let it anger me anymore because that is a waste of my emotional resources but to be bitter doesn’t really take a toll on my emotional well being. Though I guess you could argue that this has caused me to grow cold and I know it, I can feel it, but I can’t help it. Why should I care for those who have proven to not truly care for me? For those who have found it so easy to just walk away?
I have just a couple true friends left who I know are genuine but at this point I feel no desire to reconstruct old friendships because I don’t know if I believe that people ever really change. It would take a lot for someone to prove to me they have changed, that they want to truly be my friend, but at this point, “sorry” won’t do. “Sorry” has lost all it’s value to me. Anyone can say it but not everyone can mean it let alone prove that they mean it.
When writing on my blog I try my best to maintain a positive attitude but I can’t hide the fact that at this point in my life, I have a very grim view of humanity and it’s not because of my MS. MS might have aided some of my negative views on humanity but for the most part it’s my life experiences and social experiences that have lead me to think the way I think and feel the way I feel. Knowledge is power but knowledge can also be a painful burden. Maybe I have just yet to mature enough to know how to properly process and handle the knowledge I have obtained, I don’t know, I just know that I am growing cold and calloused and I have no idea what it will take to change that or how long it will take for that to happen.
“Ignorance is Bliss”
A true statement indeed, but ignorance is just the path of least resistance, the easy way out, and knowing myself and my pride, I know that I can’t take that route in life. I’ll eventually have to learn to deal with knowledge, reality, the world, humanity, people, all of it. I’m not taking the easy way out, I will endure and I will overcome.