Since I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis my body has experienced many ups and downs and of course this results in ups and downs with one’s psychological well-being. However, I have noticed lately with this second “relapse” or “flareup” or whatever you want to call it, that I have felt a certain disassociation with my body as if who I am as an individual has nothing to do with my physical body, like my body is simply a vessel for my mind or spirit, however you choose to look at it.
What is it that I mean you ask? Let me put it this way, when people have been asking how I am doing in the last few days, I’ve noticed that I talk about my body and its defects the way I would talk about my old truck and its defects, like my body is just an old car that needs to be replaced, a piece of machinery that is malfunctioning that I have to deal with til I can afford to replace it… For example, when asked how I am doing, I don’t say “I am having trouble with my left hand” but instead I word it like “My left hand is shutting down, it’s pretty much useless at the moment”. Maybe it’s just me who sees a difference in that wording and attitude, but that’s what’s important, the simple fact that I feel disassociated with my body.
I’m not sure what to make of this, on one hand it seems like this mentality could be used to my benefit to help protect my mental and emotional stability but on the other hand this mentality can be dangerous because in reality THIS IS MY BODY and I only get one body in this lifetime so I need to do everything I can to maintain this “old truck” and keep it running as long as possible, though I may hate this piece of junk “truck” it’s what I have to work with…
I don’t know why I feel so disassociated with my body lately and I don’t know what to make of these feelings, I just know that whether or not I ever feel “whole” again I have to maintain this body, this vessel, because it’s the only thing linking me as an individual to the physical world we know as life.